Piscean Post-Prandials

Illustratiion by Bob AulThe older I get, the less sex interests me. Food is my new sex. That is I don't mind paying for it, but I'll take it for free when I can. Thankfully, it's still standard for many eateries to offer you dessert gratis if you can prove it's your birthday, which I do by allowing them to count the folds of my cellulite. Sort of like a tree's rings. Below are five places I plan to hit for on-the-house treats come Feb. 28. Look for the fellow who resembles Fatty Arbuckle.

•DIZZ'S AS IS, 2794 S. Pacific Coast Hwy., Laguna Beach, (949) 494-5250. A choice of chocolate rum mousse or white-chocolate praline mousse in a large sundae glass with extra spoons for guests. Forget those mugs—I ain't sharin'.

•RALPH BRENNAN'S JAZZ KITCHEN, 1590 Disneyland Dr., Anaheim, (714) 776-5200. A really beautiful spot decorated Big Easy-style. My birthday freebie? A slice of their red velvet cake with butter-cream frosting. Pardon my drool.

•BANGKOK FOUR, 3333 S. Bear St., South Coast Plaza, Costa Mesa, (714) 540-7661. Fried bananas topped with coconut ice cream. Just let me loosen my belt. . . .

•GULLIVER'S, 18482 MacArthur Blvd., Irvine, (949) 833-8411. After stuffing myself with prime rib (not free), I'll snort down their English trifle with Bavarian cream, sherry and raspberries while I ogle their bodice-clad waitresses.

•JÄGERHAUS, 2525 E. Ball Rd., Anaheim, (714) 520-9500. Apple strudel with a little candle on top. Owner Anton Schwaiger promised to sing me "Happy Birthday" in German. But will you wear lederhosen, Herr Schwaiger?