Park & Bark

Illustration by Bob AulDon't get me wrong: I love noise late at night. A hundred people in my back yard drinking beer until 2:30 a.m.? No problem. Band rehearsal? Even better. But just when I thought the idiocy level of the two beasts in my own back yard could not be exceeded, they are one-upped by not only a dog, but a person as well. Only a thoughtless asshole would even consider letting their animal disturb other people, let alone take the act on the road. Like you, the I-haven't-had-decent-sex-in-more-than-10-years subhuman dweeb who drives around my otherwise placid Orange neighborhood with your dog hanging out the passenger-side window of their Brady Bunch Country Squire station wagon, yapping into the night air at exactly 9:30. Ahhhhhh, that's cute. Doggie like go for ride? Doggie like barkie-barkie? Doggie want chew toy? Doggie want lick master's pee-pee? Good boy, that's it. Incite all the other worthless animals in the neighborhood to bark, too. I have only seen your shadowy outline against the night sky, so I don't know your age, gender or anything else about you except that, aside from being a social retard, you are inflicting your lack of common decency on me as well.

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