The Hot 14!

If we could just forget all the clearly undeserving who will make up our list of Orange County's Sexiest People for 2003 and focus instead on the luscious corpitude of the Weekly staff, oh, what a time we would have! Sadly, our editor—a tall, telegenic hunk of a libertarian with a tremendous head of hair—thinks you, our devoted readers, don't want to hear about us. If he would let us, we'd describe us as a landlocked Temptation Island, but slightly more (though not better—except for our editor) dressed. There's foxy investigative political reporter R. Scott Moxley, for instance, whose tanned and well-groomed self can frequently be found in fabulous Laguna watering holes. Steve and Matt are both pretty wantable, but their wives are too hot for you to be any competition. Ditto for the engaged Nick Schou. Calendar editrix Stacy Davies is so stern-librarian, new fetish fantasies are born every time she clicks into the room. Our ad and production staffs are incurably sleek and sloshed. And don't even get us started on the incomparable fire that is Commie Girl.

In fact, when we think about us, we touch ourselves. But since our editor won't let us wax masturbatory about our juicy, vital, throbbing staff, here is a list for the rest of y'all.

1. That Girl From the Ipso Facto Ads.Flip a few pages to the back of this book, and you'll find the ad for Ipso Facto, the Fullerton bondage and leather shop. In the ad, you'll find the Ipso Facto girl, and this girl can do anything: the naughty secretary, the Marie Antoinette, the Bettie Page, Der Baroness. And she never lets her style skip a beat, even if she's posing in a PVC red-riding-hood get-up right out on some unremarkable city street. Listen, it's not that we want to get stropped by a riding crop while we're face-down in the carpet. But the Ipso Facto girl has a face like an angel and a wardrobe out of Russ Meyer, and underneath that, she has a lot of class. And she makes black vinyl look good with everything.

Photo by James Bunoan
2. Mike Davis. Sure, he's old. But you're not ageist, are you? The card-carrying Red, former truck driver and current UC Irvine professor has a sexy brain, even if he does mumble terribly. Just think of him as a (mumbly) silver fox.

Photo by Jeanne Rice
3. Kori Flechtner.Sure, she has those bright eyes, sunshiny smile and that Damn-she-is-so-hot-I-can't-believe-she's-not-on-the-cover-of-Maxim look about her, but Flechtner's true desirability comes from within. She runs the new local chapter of the nonprofit Designated Drivers Association. Every Friday and Saturday night from 10 p.m. until 2 a.m., she and her volunteer drivers are out prowling Newport Beach and Huntington Beach bars—completely sober, mind you—putting up with incessant and, as the night goes on, increasingly clumsy flirting, as they hand out fliers to drunks who might otherwise attempt to drive themselves home. The goal is for the drunks to give their car keys to her or one of her volunteer teams and get a free ride home. Her group helps about 10 drunks a weekend get home, but she wants to get many more home. (Those wanting to volunteer or just get a ride home can call toll-free at 866-949-SAFE.)

Krista Allen
4. Krista Allen. It was conceivable the closest actress Krista Allen had ever gotten to Orange County was the day we walked into our Costa Mesa office to find her—tanned skin, white swimsuit—on the cover of the February 2002 issue of Stuff, a magazine that looks like the offspring of Wired editors and Hooters girls. And then we found out that Allen (starring opposite George Clooney in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind) is frequently in OC. Her mom and grandmother, it turns out, live in Laguna Hills. That fact, a quick check of our rules reveals, qualifies her for OC's Sexiest People. Is she sexy? On the minus side, she refers to acting with Adam Sandler as "my work." She starred in Days of Our Lives, which doesn't look like work, never mind acting. She was raised in Texas—the Australia of North America and home of the first retarded president in American history. She fails to punch in the fucking face the Stuff reporter who asks her for turn-ons (Southern men) and turn-offs ("clingy, dependent, possessive or crazy" men). On the plus side, she tells Stuff, "If I were a spy, I'd want to be Emma Peel." So would we! Isn't that weird?!

5. Joe Millionaire. Sure, Steve Lowery screamed and yelled during the editorial-meeting vote—mmmm, editorial meetings!—that putting Evan Marriott in our Sexiest People issue is letting the terrorists at Fox win. But Steve is not a woman—no, really, he's not! Is Evan Marriott a caveman? Sure. But what's not to like about big (at six-five, really big) and stupid (really stupid)? And we won't even mention those underwear ads. When the Capistrano Beach construction worker blew through a toll booth on the 73 last September, he was striking a blow for the common (really common) man. And now that snobby Allison has been dismissed and that whiny princess Melissa has been jettisoned, here's hoping that whiny victim Zora wins. She'll be the only one who's happy anyway when they all find out he's just a big, dumb, handsome loser. That $50 million had her all freaked out!