New Column!

First, I want to thank all who came to the 911 Stop Racism Solidarity Movement Against War, Police Repression and the Prison Industrial Complex Vegan Pancake Breakfast last Friday at Lotus Collective. Shame on you losers who slept in because this was a valuable opportunity to network with like-minded folks, pound on pots in the communal drum circle and enjoy the most scrumptious soy pigs in a blanket this side of Santa Monica. But I'm here to talk bombs, not food. For make no mistake: this is not a war about . . . EXCUSE ME!?! For you people in the back so rudely talking while I have the podium: THIS IS NOT A WAR ABOUT LIBERATING THE IRAQI PEOPLE! This IS a war about crude oil. This IS a war about crude arms makers. This IS a war about misery. The REAL axis of evil is war, poverty and racism. We come with love in our hearts and an intense hatred toward George Bush. I have a question, Mr. President: Would your children like 2,000-pound bombs dropped? ON THEIR HEADS!?! Now, the warmongers say we support Saddam. They say we have terrorist ties. That we hate our country. That we're Stalinists. That we don't have good table manners. Well, from where I'm standing, watching you watch me empower you, I shall declare: I! AM!! NOT ALONE IN OPPOSING THIS WAR!!! WE are the POWER! WE are the MAJORITY! WE are the PATRIOTS! Remember: the word "patriot" ends with the word "riot," and when George Bush riots on Iraq, we will . . . I'm sorry: the discordant yodeling in the wings tells me my time is up. Should you like to share with me what I have just shared with you—except you assholes in the back—or if you must interview me to get extra credit in social studies, I'll be in the USA Patriot Act Is Unpatriotic Hemp Fabric Softener booth between the No Blood for Oil Carrot Juice cart and the Church of the Stoned Immaculate's Who Would Jesus Bomb? hummustorium. But first, give it up for an artist who I have just inspired, JOAN BAEZ!!!