Spandex Man

Illustration by Bob AulNext time you bang on the back of my car and pull up to the driver's-side window screaming every four-letter word imaginable, you'd better be sure you're at arm's length because next time, you self-entitled spandex-abusing little fuck, I won't courteously maneuver around your cycle posse twice as I did before you bottlenecked in downtown Laguna. Pardon me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure cyclists follow the same rules of the road as motorists. You do not have the right of way. And one other thing: Why this sport? Is it the tight spandex? The hardness of the bike seat up your already tight ass? If it's for stress reduction, you might want to rethink because you nearly blew a brain gasket screaming, "fuck" at me. And one last thing: as you screamed, you asked if I was out of my mind! I've got to ask the same of anyone riding a bicycle in downtown Laguna on a holiday weekend. Remember: next time, Spandex, arm's length.

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