Lott-a Love

No, not the BBW! They playa-hatin!

Epil-stop Cucumber & Melon, $24.99. Oooh, I was so scared of Epil-stop Cucumber & Melon! But you know what? It's fine! It got the course black hairs off the backs of my thighs, and if I weren't scared of putting such gnarly chemicals on my face, I could use the "roll-on" applicator on my 'stache! Instead, I just use a tiny little straight-handled razor that's pink, so you know it's made for girls' mustaches instead of boys'. The funniest part, though, of my little pink girlie 'stache razor is that they claim it's for shaping eyebrows, 'cause girls don't have mustaches, right?

No-Stitch 2000, $14.99. Insert the "Magic Powder"—is that what the kids are calling it these days?—into the hem, and apply the delightful little iron until the powder melts, leaving your clothes bonded together with no sewing at all. It didn't work, but I'm pretty sure it was operator error. I didn't really follow the directions that closely because if I'm too lazy to sew a hem, I'm probably too lazy to do all the steps they say to do, and I should just do what I always do and cut it short with a pair of scissors and then leave it all unraveled and raggedy, just the way I like it!

The Auto Hammer, $9.95. My boyfriend says this hammer, which magnetically holds a nail in place so one won't mash one's poor, fragile little fingers, works just about as well as a regular one!

Squeezeit, $1.99. This is awesome! Look at this toothpaste tube post-Squeezeit! It is so flat and toothpaste-free it's practically accidentally fallen from the vacuum-locked portal into deep space! Where you will not hear it scream!

Hairodynamic, $14.99. Maybe I'm not 14 years old enough, but I had not the patience to figure out how to actually make chignons with these slap-bracelet-like devices. Nor did I sufficiently care. Maybe your daughter will. I probably should have popped for the stupid automatic braider instead. It does all the work for you, even if that work does end up not so much Bo Derek as Ray Bolger.

Personal Trimmer, $4.99. A man I know refused to test this out for me even though he has two insouciant nostril hairs that like to hang out and chill near his upper lip. He acts all offended every time I mention it. Do I act all offended by his two little friends? I do not.

Make new friends, but keep the old.

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