Drive-by Big Gulp

Illustration by Bob AulTo those two little pukes who nailed me in THE BACK with a friggin' Big Gulp full of ice and shit: I was minding my own goddamn business on my road bike, going across the Pacific Coast Highway bridge into Seal Beach. It was really windy, and you startled the shit out of me when that fucking cup hit me on my shoulder. I was so startled I almost lost control of my fucking bike and went over the side of the goddamn bridge. I not only stayed in control but also rode my ass off to catch you. You tried to speed away and thought you were in the clear. But when I reached you at 12th Street and PCH in Seal Beach, the look on your two little, rosy-cheeked, pimply fucking faces was priceless. I don't know what sound was louder—your asses puckering or your jaws hitting the dashboard of your fucking stupid little lowered pickup. I laid my bike in the street and hocked the most humongous loogie on your windshield. I then stood in front of your car and raised my arms, LOOKED YOU TWO RIGHT IN THE EYES, and said, "Will you throw something at me now?" You revved your engine like I should've been scared and moved out of the way, but I wasn't and I didn't. You little pubes looked like you squirted your shorts.

Doing shit to people on fucking bikes behind their backs while you are in your goddamn car is pure pussy.