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OAKLEY USA INTERPLANETARY HEADQUARTERS With its post-apocalyptic motif, sky-high domes, flight chairs, dark, menacing rooms and—hell—its name, the Foothill Ranch headquarters of this world-renowned maker of sunglasses, boots and other stuff seems like the type of place you might bump into Darth Vader. You'd be more likely to trip over basketball superstar/Oakley pitchman/corporate schmoozer Michael Jordan. 1 Icon, Foothill Ranch.

OLIVOS JR., LOUIEThe Chicano playwright doesn't have his own theater to stage plays, but that's all right. Son of a man who was among the first film exhibitors to screen Spanish-language films and add subtitles, Jr. has been staging Juan Charrasqueadoin a church basement in Santa Ana for the past 20 years. The play is a delightful re-enactment of the corrido made immortal by Jorge Negrete (through song) and Pedro Armendáriz (through film). Somebody give this man money and a theater! First United Methodists Church, 602 N. French, Santa Ana, (714) 539-2130; olivossantaana@aol.com. OMELETTE PARLOR, THELocated next to a Long's Drugstore on 17th Street in Costa Mesa, the Omelette Parlor is what breakfast connoisseurs like to refer to as "well-lit," thanks to a generous skylight in the middle of the high ceiling. But more important, the Omelette Parlor's coffee is terrific, and people come from all over the country to drink it. There's none of that sweet, flavored-water aftertaste in your mouth when you're trying to get over your early morning hangover. This stuff actually came from a coffee bean. The Depression-era historical photographs of Costa Mesa that decorate the walls won't disappoint either. The ambiance is further enhanced by pastoral paintings of pigs and English kitchenware, cozy booths, and what look like real plants hanging from the ceiling. None of the names for the omelets makes any sense to anyone who hasn't closely followed pre-1978 Costa Mesa city politics. Plus, they're embarrassing to say out loud. But they're all good. 179 E. 17th St., Costa Mesa, (949) 645-0740. ONCE UPON A STORY A pocketful of posies. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down! Don't you dig nursery rhymes? If you did once upon a time, visit Once Upon a Story, one of those neato nifty places dedicated to being a child. If your friends have just spawned, pick them out somepin' nice for the little one. Something to grow on. Remember Harold & the Purple Crayon? These folks do. Gold letters around the ceiling read: "Believe in Magic." "Read Books Out Loud With Joy." "Let Art Be the Inner Eye." "Wish for Rainbows Every Day." Sentiments that make you want to cry for your childhood. Bedtime stories are something one should never grow out of, and even if you don't have anyone to give the books you loved as a child to . . . your inner toddler might like them. 3740 E. Fourth St., Long Beach. (562) 433-6856. For books to read with your kids, theWeekly suggests:Stuart Little;James and the Giant Bulge;Daddy's Favorite Dress;No Means No;Green Eggs and Ham: When Mommies Drink;So Many Daddies;R Is for Ritalin;Teddy Smells Funny;Ulysses;Detention Again;Hello, Stranger;When Muppets Go Mental;A Little Princess: The John Ritter Story;Fancy Pants;A Little Too Curious George;Hop on Pop;The Collected Plays of Harold Pinter;My Dolly Has a Dickie;James and the Giant Cucumber;Super Fudge OPENINGS (BEST) 1. Peter Blake for people-watching (but usually foodless). 2. Artists Village for cheese cubes. 3. Orange County Museum of Art for mindblowing grub and bottomless martinis (if you can get on the VIP invitation list, and you probably can). 4. Laguna Art Museum for hottie surf boys. OPENINGS (GRAND) Fancy stores and restaurants invite rich and famous folks to come and buy products; they will give you champagne if you do. Rich and famous folks actually show. This is what passes for their social life: buying stuff. ORANGE Very Middle America, or at least what Hollywood believes is Middle America: the studios frequently use Old Town when they need Rockwellian virtue made solid (see That Thing You Do! and Big Mama's House). But there's more to Orange than Old Town. There are colleges, a university, great food, malls, movie theaters, parks and more malls, along with houses and freeways and more malls. ORANGE COUNTY DRUM AND PERCUSSION The Santa-Ana based custom drum company has a roster list that reads like a who's who of radio alternative rock and mall punk. Originally a retail outlet, Orange County Drum and Percussion has since become one of the big names in high-end custom percussion equipment, best known for their vented snare drum and renowned for its nut-busting volume. 1609 E. McFadden Ave., Ste. D, Santa Ana, (714) 564-0667. ORANGE COUNTY RECORD SWAP Bar none, the best rendezvous for the human cockroaches that are compulsive vinyl collectors, with dealers sometimes creeping in from other continents. If it was only released as a limited colored-vinyl tour promo edition (signed and specially puked on by the band), you'll find it here. And you might find it cheap. The record swap is held every fourth Sunday just down the street from the tourist strip, and it's probably the most culturally substantial event in town. Sequoia Athletic Club, 7530 Orangethorpe Ave., Buena Park, (714) 739-4141. ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER, THE You know the Santa Ana-based newspaper for its most entertaining feature: the Letters page, where irate right-wing readers blast Democrats, women, gays, environmentalists, foreigners and occasionally the handicapped. But were you aware that the county's largest daily newspaper also prides itself on being a journalistic benchmark? According to its "Customer Bill of Rights," the Register purports it is "an independent source of news and information, with the highest standards of accuracy, credibility and integrity." In fact, Reg editors claim the rabid, pro-Republican conservatism that marks the editorial opinion pages never seeps into the news section. That assertion was proved comical again on Oct. 9 after GOP gubernatorial candidate Bill Simon claimed he had a photo that proved Governor Gray Davis accepted an illegal contribution when he was lieutenant governor in 1998. When pressed to prove his case by reporters, a beleaguered Simon couldn't produce a credible photo showing Davis committing a crime. The flap was just the latest major Simon embarrassment and was reported accurately as the top California story in the LA Times: "Simon Retreats on Allegations of Illegal Fund-Raising by Davis." But the poor Reg just couldn't bring itself to report the news straight. On its front page, the paper wrote the following misleading news teaser: "Bill Simon's allies released photos they said show then-Lieutenant Governor Gray Davis illegally accepting a check in his government office." Then they buried their coverage on page 16 under the ambiguous headline, "Allies of Simon Accuse Davis." Here—deep in the story—the Register newsroom finally (reluctantly?) admitted that Simon had "backed down" from his claim against Davis. ORANGE CRUSHRefers to either a popular brand of orange-flavored soda; an unhealthy lust for a citrus fruit; a semiprofessional Orange County football team; the demolition derby held at the Orange County Fairgrounds; or fucking fucked-up rush-fucking-hour traffic where the fucking five, fifty-fucking-seven and twenty-fucking-two freeways meet. See also: I got off at fucking Main and it was fucking backed up all the way to fucking Chapman!; It's called a turn signal ya fucking tool! ORPHANS, THE Two thousand pounds of drunken fucking-up shit crammed into a 100-pound girl singer; also three guys who can tear out a set of filthy Germs-y punk without even noticing they're puking on themselves. Capable of simultaneously being the Best Band Ever and the Worst Band Ever. Fun at parties! OVER THE COUNTER INTELLIGENCE One of the most devoted-to-the-Revolution bands outside the old USSR. How many bands do you know that throw 500-page Chomsky journals into mosh pits during concerts or sing songs revealing the revolutionary aspect of (among other children's authors) Dr. Seuss? The fact that they play awesomely moshable music is almost beside the point. www.overthecounterintelligence.com.
 
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