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AAA ELECTRA 99 ART GALLERY AND PERFORMANCE SPACE The only gallery in the county people are scared to visit. Maybe it's the shellacked rats hanging on the wall. Art enough for you, pussy? 2821 White Star, Unit D, Anaheim, (714) 666-1805.

ADAMS, Johnna, and LEACH, Kristina Cal State Fullerton graduate Leach and DePaul University alum Adams are involved in the Orange County Playwrights Alliance and the OC Writer's Collective and are successful playwrights even if they haven't yet made enough money to buy a Sunday New York Times. Why? Because they're always being produced somewhere, anywhere. And, just as important, they always seem to be writing new plays. Leach's Grasmereis currently being produced up in Los Angeles, while Adams has had productions or workshops of her plays in recent months in locales as varied as Fullerton, New York, a prison and a nudist colony. ADVENTURE CITY This two-acre amusement park is actually amusing, as opposed to overwhelming and exploitative. It has a carousel in the middle, little roller coasters and whirly rides. The staff are real people, not cast members. The fun is real, too, with puppet shows, face painting, and an area where kids can dress up like firefighters and cops and ride around a track in cop cars and fire engines. And there's a miniature train that circles the whole place. It's just nice. 1238 S. Beach Blvd., Stanton, (714) 236-9300. AITKEN, WILEY Orange County's leading plaintiff's lawyer can sell a jury anything, which might explain how he continues to portray himself as a socially concerned Robert F. Kennedy-type liberal Democrat even though he hobnobs comfortably with some of the county's biggest Republican scum. ALEX'S BAR Nice digs, amazing shows, shitty publicity. Every band you ever wanted so desperately to see played there last night. Better luck next trend! 2913 E. Anaheim, Long Beach, (562) 434-8292. ALISO VIEJO The fact that the words "yuppie haven" spring to mind about this newly born city isn't totally off the mark. Scores of tract homes and apartment complexes (usually billing themselves as luxury apartments, not to be confused with rinky-dink ones) dot the hillsides. Clustered together to create make-believe communities, some of these developments seek to evoke the so-called good old days (Twelve Picket Lane), while others sell posh living (San Simeon, Tiburon). Located in the city's heart, the bustling Aliso Viejo Town Center is the main hangout for teens and middle-aged folks alike; it's basically the only hangout, home to such standard retail stores as Barnes & Noble and Pier 1. Should you venture here, be warned: parking has become a scarce commodity, and even when you find a space, it takes some clever maneuvering to squeeze your car between two monstrous SUVs. If the great outdoors is more your thing, AV (as the homies call it—word) has plenty of breezy, grassy rolling hills. It has also managed to retain some natural wildlife areas, with Aliso and Wood Canyons Regional Park located along one of its borders. Of course, there's a darker side to all this idyllic scenery. The 73 toll road (a.k.a. the San Joaquin Hills Transportation Corridor) might make this area more accessible and the drive to work more serene, but it also cuts off some major wildlife corridors. Then there's the highly questionable water quality of Aliso Creek, which feeds wastewater from a bunch of South County cities. Not to mention that if the El Toro International Airport ever gets built, Aliso Viejo lies directly under its proposed flight path. Living in utopia doesn't come without a price. Did you know . . . that old people claim Aliso Viejo is named after a tree located near Aliso Creek and that you can actually go down to the creek and see the tree? Did you know . . . that old people are always saying that kind of crap? Old people. ALLEGED GUNMEN, THE Are gonna do for Long Beach what the Clash did for white men in Hammersmith Palais, sten guns in Knightsbridge and bombs in Spain, except with more spray-paint. ALLEN, EDGAR DALE "EDDIE" According to a Republican federal judge, Eddie—who is married to local Republican bigshot Jo Ellen Allen—masqueraded as an Air Force colonel, a Harvard-educated lawyer, a financial adviser to President Ronald Reagan, a New York Yankee, a CIA spy, an Air Force One pilot for John F. Kennedy and a Vietnam War POW to persuade fellow Republicans to invest in his business scams. Last year, the judge ruled that Allen—who lives comfortably in Corona del Mar—was dishonest and defrauded numerous people out of their life savings. The victims have not been repaid. ALLEN, JO ELLEN Once called a "Stepford Wife as programmed by Pat Buchanan" and sporting the most shocking 'do this side of Madeline Kahn near the end of Young Frankenstein, Mrs. Eddie Allen works as a Southern California Edison vice president and, despite her husband's financial shenanigans, continues to lecture the public on ethics and morals during her appearances on KOCE's Real Orange. ALLEY, THE Although the merchandise appears to have been acquired after a tornado scooped up the contents of a Pier 1 and a Cost Plus World Market, the Alley actually looks like an organized indoor swap meet. If the remaining gifts on a friend's bridal registry are out of your price range, this is a great place to pick up an alternative present, as almost every kitchen gadget known to man is available here, along with various other stuff you probably won't find anywhere else. 1835 Newport Blvd., Ste. A101 (faces 19th Street), Costa Mesa, (949) 574-9884. ANAHEIM ANGELSMajor-league baseball franchise spent 41 long years becoming famous for the curse that ultimately thwarted its every attempt at success—only to lose even that distinction in 2002 when its roster of unknowns knocked the powerful New York Yankees out of the playoffs. That's right, the curse committed suicide! The Angels now join the likes of the Houston Astros, the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Swiss Army as teams without any identity whatsoever. ANGELO'S Where else are you gonna find gum-popping teen carhops on roller skates serving up chili dogs with a side of sass to the local chapter of Burly Bikers for Christ? Does anyone else find that arousing? 511 S. State College Blvd., Anaheim, (714) 533-1401. ANGELO'S AND VINCI'S RISTORANTE You come for the pasta, but you stay for the monster menagerie in the basement, the soaring Sistine-Chapel-via-Ed-Wood décor, and the decades of character so potent you'll taste it in the marinara sauce. Call it Pasta Postmodern Primavera. Centuries of pop culture battle it out on these walls, and all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the show. 550 N. Harbor Blvd., Fullerton, (714) 879-4022. "ANTI-MALL," THE"Edgy" nickname marketers came up with the Lab retail/dining/entertainment center south of the establishment's South Coast Plaza. Credit creator Shaheen Sadeghi with recycling the old canning factory and warehouse rather than bulldozing it; with creating a courtyard in which it's actually a joy to relax whilst enjoying a Gypsy Den double mocha; with encouraging entrepreneurial activity of the sort that recently brought in Dr. Freecloud's Mixxing Lab. We love the place—for its rusty-metal façade, hip used furniture and the tattooed pincushions who toil in the shops and eateries—we just can't afford to buy our clothes there. 2930 S. Bristol St., Costa Mesa. See also: Marshall's, Ross Dress for Less, Salvation Army.

APODACA, PAUL Chapman sociologist Apodaca infuriates simple minds with devastating logic and enlightens the enlightened even further. Seeing him in action, you're taken back to the time of Socrates—without the pederasty, of course. But what makes Apodaca incredible is his story. The man never got a B.A., yet UCLA accepted him into graduate school based on his longtime work as a curator and researcher of Native American art at the Bowers Museum. He didn't disappoint: in 18 months, the man received his M.A. in American Indian studies and his Ph.D. in folklore and mythology. Now that's smart.

See also: Pants, Smarty; Guys Who Will Never Be President of the United States ARGENTINE ROCK EN ESPAÑOL FANS Carajos: we understand that your country has suffered some of the worst political repression of the past 20 years. We feel horrible about the current economic problems that are forcing many of your countrymen to migrate to this county. And we admire the fact that despite all of these distractions, Argentina produces some of the best Latin alternative acts in the world and that many of them (Bersuit Vergarabat, Los Auténticos Decadentes, Enanitos Verdes) frequent OC. But none of this gives you an excuse for being the snottiest bunch of fans since Bruce Springsteen's legions, all dressed up in your cleanly pressed and recently disgraced national soccer jerseys and your clean-cut hair and clean-and-pressed pretty boy/girl looks. You're all so, you know, clean. See also: Teddy Boys; New Romantics; Emo Kids; Anyone Attending a Sheryl Crow Concert ARGYROS, GEORGE LEONOrange County's version of Jeb Clampett—only less sophisticated—began at the bottom of the economic ladder and moved his way up to the top by ripping off those who remained at the bottom. He snagged a plum ambassadorship from Dubya thanks to the mountains of cash he's given to the GOP over the years. ARTHUR'S COFFEE SHOP"Best Breakfast in Town," proclaims the sign out front, and they probably don't get too many arguments. While the food's good, the atmosphere is even better, like scenes from an unwritten Tom Waits song. Waitresses sport "OKIE SPOKEN HERE" T-shirts as they take orders from Korean War vets who have axle-grease stains on their well-worn Dickies. Blue-collar couples make camp at a corner table and complain about high taxes and the idiot politician of the moment. And everywhere you look, there's finely polished, simulated-wood-grain paneling plastering the walls, a hallmark of truck-stop chic. Arthur's serves real food for real people. 1281 E. La Habra Blvd., La Habra, (562) 691-7793. ARTISTS VILLAGESanta Ana arts corridor, where white people often fear to tread, has already had one casualty—the career and freedom of imprisoned Santa Ana City Councilman Ted Moreno, who solicited pay-to-play bribes to defeat the degenerate homosexuals who were taking over the city. ATLANTIS PLAYCENTER The Seussian sensibility—dragon slides, whale slides, giant clams, tethered sharks, seahorse swings—that is the best kids' park in Orange County, California, the United States, Upper Tajikistan . . . 9301 Westminster Ave., Garden Grove, (714) 892-6015.
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