Answer the Question, Rummy!

In its October issue, OC Family magazine offers a special report on Alcoholism—they're against it—part of which involves a short "refrigerator clip" guide with four questions to determine whether you, a loved one or friend who'll soon not be speaking to you, is an alcoholic.

The questionnaire is no doubt an invaluable tool to convince anyone who has spent all their money on booze and is now living under an overpass that they should seek help. But for those who still might be wrestling with the question of whether they're a filthy, stinking drunk, the four questions ("Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking?" "Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?" etc.) might not be enough.

In the interests of these people, we'd like to take the baton from OC Family and offer a few more specific questions to ask yourself when you're sober—if such moments actually occur. Answering yes to any of these questions means that you are a complete alcoholic, unworthy of love and destined to die alone, hopefully not taking anyone with you in the inevitable fiery crack up. Cheers!

•Do you drink while driving?

•Are you reading this drinking questionnaire while driving?

•Are you driving in front of me now?

•What are you drinking?

•Is it what the guy on the floor is drinking?

•How about the guy next to him?

•When you drink, do you groan, moan or make the "oooo, momma," sound?

•Do you ever black out while drinking?

•Can you remember what you did last night?

•Did it involve accepting the Republican nomination for governor of California?

•Does your liver hurt?

•Are you currently residing at the Betty Ford Clinic and/or UC Santa Barbara?

•When you drink, do you feel your brain getting damaged?

•Are you drinking right now?

•Can I join you?

•What, you think you're better than me?

•Hey, how about this guy?

•I love this guy. Ya gotta love this guy. Do you? Love that guy.

•Do you drink before sex? If yes, may I buy you a drink?

•What the hell are you looking at?