No-Show Nuge!

So there we were, all decked out in our finest camo fatigues, a fully loaded glock tucked securely down our pants (why, yes, that is a pistol, and I am happy to see you!), a St. Charlton Heston medallion dangling from our neck, all set to meet the fabulously right-wing-o-rific Ted Nugent—dude, the Nuge!!!—who was to be signing copies of his tasty new tome, Kill It & Grill It: A Guide to Preparing and Cooking Wild Game and Fish, at the Borders Books at the Block at Orange on Aug. 29. But when we arrived, we were saddened to find a note on the door announcing that Ted had to cancel. Word from the frazzled-looking folks manning the customer-service desk was that the Nuge had some oral surgery done, so he had to pull out. The surgery, however, apparently wasn't that traumatic—it didn't force the Motor City Moron-man to cancel his show later that night at the Grove of Anaheim, and we know that because the store was offering free pairs of tickets as consolation prizes to disappointed Ted Heads, some of whom had driven all the way from LA and probably beyond (having a little trouble selling ducats to your gonzo fests these days, Ted?). Ted has quite the cult, though—as of 3:30 p.m., the store had taken well more than 100 phone inquiries about the non-appearance, and one clerk was answering calls thusly: "Thank you for calling Borders. Sorry, but the Ted Nugent signing has been canceled. Can I help you?" (Another Borders worker took the Nuge no-show especially hard: "I was so excited because nothing like that ever happens here. We had a German boy band here once, but that's been it!") The book, by the way, is a hoot, a mix of recipes (barbecued black bear! Squirrel casserole! Venison stroganoff!) and positively sexual prose such as, "the beautiful echothump of 175 grains of copper-jacketed lead punching hard flesh and bone at 3,000 feet per second pumped back to me like an Ali jab to the gut." Ohhh, baby! Naturally, all the GOP higher-ups contribute pull quotes, including George W. ("We're glad you're here. You are a good man." Ummm . . . enlightening?) At press time, the signing hadn't been rescheduled, but if it is, we'll be there! And next time, we'll bring our AK! (Rich Kane)

BAD PUBLICITY
This past Saturday was the latest chingón Anaheim Convention Center Mexican regional music megafest that we didn't cover. Performing before an over-the-fire-department-limit crowd were conjunto norteño/banda fusionists Banda Cuisillos, narcocorrido poseurs El As de la Sierra and El Original de la Sierra, and stalwarts Banda Limón. Each of these acts has a great story to tell, and we would have loved to give them a feature, whether good (Cuisillos and Limón) or bad (El Original and El As). But we couldn't: we found out about the event two days after the fact. Convention center concert ignorance isn't new to us, either: we barely discovered that conjunto gods Los Tigres del Norte and pretenders Los Tucanes de Tijuana played there in July. It isn't lazy journalism on our part, though. No, seriously: horrific promotion of Mexican regional music bills at the Anaheim Convention Center is the culprit. The center's website doesn't list these shows despite the fact they've been filling up the venue for years, and phone numbers on the few posters put up around Orange County advertising the bands direct you to a clueless teenager working at a Ritmo Latino record store. And actually calling the labels or companies sponsoring them is a fast way to rack up a bunch of unreturned phone calls. Miren güeyes, le quiero dar publicidad a sus conciertos, ¿pero como lo puedo hacer si no me dejan? English translation: do your job, publicity department losers, and we'll do ours. (Gustavo Arellano)