Diary of a Mad County

SATURDAY, July 27 As we're using our clock tower's facilities, the toilet bowl inexplicably tilts to the right. It seems the only way we can protect our leftist leanings is to get our mitts on the Adjustable Wax Toilet Bowl Ring developed by John Kepke of Trabuco Canyon and John Ripchick of Fullerton. The ring provides a solid foundation to the floor and an effective seal to the gassy hole under the bowl. While Kepke and Ripchick's invention has been licensed, it is not yet in production, which means we're going to have to prop our bowl up with strategically placed matchbooks in the meantime. You're welcome for sharing!

Illustration by Bob Aul

SUNDAY, July 28 Our attempt to skip this year's Orange County Fair is foiled six hours before closing. Because we haven't been paying attention, we assume this year's theme must be "Come See Boobies the Size of Rosie O'Donnell's Head." For some all-American oglers, that can be a good thing. But in most cases, it isn't—like the men with boobies the size of Rosie O'Donnell's head. As for many in the penisless set, here's an important fashion tip: if the belly flab hanging over the waistline of your too-short shorts sticks out farther than your boobies the size of Rosie O'Donnell's head, a tube top ain't for you. Of course, considering the closing-night headliner was Lynyrd Skynyrd, we may have been experiencing an invasion of folks from the 909 area code. Or maybe it's just one more example of Bush turning the whole goddamned country into Texas.

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