By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Illustration by Bob AulBefore I met you, I had heard that you were a regular guy who was a bit boring. Now that I know you, I think you're a pervert. My friend suggested that we get together because she felt we'd have a lot in common and become fast friends. She accompanied me to make the evening smoother, and everything was going swell: I laughed, she laughed, and you laughed. Then the laughter stopped: you brazenly asked if you could take her home. Ten minutes later, we left disgusted and a little bit scared.
Did you think that as devout Catholics, we would agree to your sordid request? Did you think I was going to acquiesce immediately to your superior cash and stature? Did you think she was going to change her mind after seeing your brand-new car? She thinks you're a freak, my friends are surprised I didn't shove a jagged beer bottle in your face, and I've lost any respect I might possibly have had for you. You try that shit on us next time, and it won't be just your dignity that'll take a beating.
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