By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Photo by Keith MayIf you're wondering, no, we don't do it on purpose. When we review a restaurant, we mean for it to be a positive experience, which is why we only review restaurants we like. But somewhere along the way, things seemed to get all sideways, and though we're recommending the restaurant, we end up doing it by mentioning cow sex, alcohol poisoning or snot. Sorry.
Listen. We like the restaurants we review—we only review restaurants we like—and for a long time, we thought we were doing them a great favor until the day we noticed our positive review of Wahoos hung on its wall with scores of words whited-out because the piece was so laced with filthy verbiage—albeit positive filthy verbiage—that the owners could not hang the review unscathed and still allow minors in the place.
And I fear other restaurants we've reviewed have faced a similar quandary: to either edit the piece or just not hang it at all. Sorry. Like I said, we didn't do this on purpose, but looking back over a year of reviews, we've done it a lot. So, below, please consider some of the restaurants we've done less than right by. They're really terrific places and deserving of your patronage. Really. Even if they can't hang up the review, we offer the following snippets as proof that we recommend them so emphatically that it causes our genitals to recede into our body cavity. Sorry.Baja Fresh, Costa Mesa Go for the . . . "Baja Fresh is a gathering spot for the gorgeous—a magical place where anyone at virtually any time could see astonishingly good-looking people." Sorry about . . . "'The fuck you don't,' the boyfriend retorted. 'I don't like how you've been looking at my girlfriend. You need to apologize to her right now.'" New Orleans Square, Disneyland Go for the . . . "[Mint juleps] are cool and magnificently, well, minty." Sorry about . . . "You'll find yourself refreshed and ready for long lines or a stroll through New Orleans Square, which is charming, though oddly devoid of any 'SHOW US YOUR TITS' posters." The Blue Café, Long Beach Go for the . . . "You get a giant serving of chips, which you can barely get to. The chips are lathered with guacamole and sour cream, jalapeños and black olives. " Sorry about . . . "Oh—and the beef? They dump a cow on your chips! Moo-frickin'-oo!" Tangata, Santa Ana Go for the . . . "Tangata is the Bowers Museum of Cultural Art's restaurant, and it is exquisite and perfect in every way." Sorry about . . . "I ate most of it because I'm a pig, but Cher got her licks in as well."