Who Got More What?

Davy Jones says Marcia Brady needed a good pounding

Davy Jones is that English teen idol guy from the Monkees, now touring with Micky Dolenz as "The Best of the Monkees." The singing, shimmying, tambourine-banging little fellow has now served as masturbation fodder for three generations of pubescent girls and incarcerated, salad-tossing psychopaths. He also famously dated Marcia on The Brady Bunch, continues to race horses (he used to be a pro jockey) and, judging from our conversation, ingests way too much coffee (or something). Anyway, even though the Weekly had to cut about two-thirds of what Davy had to say due to space limitations, we kept all the best parts—we promise. Read on and discover just how marvy Davy really is!

OC Weekly: Is billing yourself and Mickey Dolenz as "The Best of the Monkees" a deliberate attempt to provoke Mike Nesmith and Peter Tork to violence? Davy Jones: Well, I don't know. Maybe we should go in for the celebrity boxing. No, I don't know how much anger there is there. We've been the Monkees for so many years now, and we have to protect that and one another. So if it came down to it, and you and Mickey had to fight those guys, you think you could take 'em?

I never surrender. I fight dirty. I come from the streets of New York. As a 15-year-old, I lived in Hell's Kitchen. I came to America with the show Oliver! and I had my own apartment right in the middle of Hell's Kitchen. It was quite an experience—I got quite an education there.

So one lesson that readers could take away from this interview is "Don't mess with Davy Jones," right?

I can't be handling all this celebrity-boxing stuff. It's way over my head, so to speak—no pun intended.

Okay. . . . What horrible secret does Mike Nesmith have hiding under that beanie?

I don't really know if he's been wearing it lately. It was probably some sort of cosmic pyramid that kept him from turning into a grumpy old man.

Please answer the question that all of America needs to know: Did you or did you not bone Marcia Brady?

Nobody has ever asked me that, ever, I swear to you.

Then they were just being too polite to ask because everyone needs to know the truth.

No, I never did Marcia Brady. She was like 15, and I wasn't into young girls at that time. I was into older women. Now it's different. I'm 56 years old, and my girlfriend is 28.

Well, how about Florence Henderson then? She was older—did you do her? If so, did you use Wesson oil as a lubricant?

I never did her either, but I knew her when she was younger in New York in the early '60s. She was pretty hot. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia—I thought she was a bit stiff. I thought she needed a good pounding, to tell you the truth. She's sort of stand-offish, like the lady on The Weakest Link. I mean, I wouldn't mind giving her one either. That could be an experience.

How have you been able to maintain your youthful, gnomish good looks while the rest of the Monkees are all kinda bloated and pruny-looking these days?

I don't know what to tell you. Grease up at night before you go to bed, even if it's only Vaseline. Get it into those cracks and crevices and feed your skin.

Your press kit refers to the Monkees as "The Original Boy Band." Do you feel you had a profound musical influence on 'NSync or the Backstreet Boys?

Well, of course there are similarities if you want to put it that way. The music magazines always said we couldn't do this, couldn't do that, couldn't play our own music. Do you know that the Beach Boys and the Byrds and the Turtles and the Association and the Mamas & the Papas never played a note in the studio? Paul McCartney didn't play the French horn on "Penny Lane." Do you think that Paul McCartney would have gotten into the Oscars if he wasn't Paul McCartney with that crap song that he had? I mean, come on, be serious: "Vanilla Sky" was not worthy of an Oscar nomination.

When they talked about the Monkees not really playing their instruments, no one could ever say you didn't really play the tambourine. So who was the better tambourine player—you or that little girl in the Partridge Family?

I'm the greatest tambourine player in the world! Davy Jones, according to David Letterman, is the No. 1, No. 3 and No. 7 tambourine player in the world.

Why was the Monkees movie calledHead?

I never called it Head. The advertisement was some guy with glasses and his hair swept back, saying, 'Head. Head. Head.' They didn't even show the Monkees in the advertising. It was very confusing to me at the time.

What's your favorite Monkees song?

On the Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn and Jones album, I wrote my first song, called "It's Hard to Believe." I felt good about that. Obviously, there was also "Pleasant Valley Sunday" and "I'm a Believer" and "Daydream Believer" and songs like that—which are obviously classics.

So do you think of yourself more as a daydream believer or a homecoming queen?
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