Buddy Loves Paul

But he hates Paul.

20 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT PAUL MCCARTNEY

1. Side Two of Abbey Road.

2. "Eleanor Rigby," which is so perfect it might maybe actually mitigate "Silly Love Songs." Or it might not.

3. Ditto "Here, There, and Everywhere."

4. And "Penny Lane," even though Paul didn't play that great horn part.

5. Leave us not forget "Hey Jude."

6. And "Helter Skelter," which rocks so ferociously that Charlie Manson appropriated it as a soundtrack to murder.

7. Actually, McCartney may well be responsible for more gorgeous pop and raging rock & roll songs than any other major rock star in history, living or dead.

8. "Paul Is Dead."

9. alt.sex.fetish.amputee.

10. "You couldn't find two people more diametrically opposed than Ted Nugent and Paul McCartney," says Ted Nugent.

11. He's the only white guy I ever heard who could sing Little Richard nearly as well as Little Richard.

12. The entire Band on the Run album.

13. McCartney publicly talks shit about Michael Jackson and even makes fun of his girly speaking voice.

14. He was smart enough not to trust Allen Klein.

15. He may be the best, most melodically gifted pop bass player I've ever heard.

16. For proof, listen to the bass solo on "Michelle."

17. Bassist Glen Matlock was reportedly kicked out of the Sex Pistols due to his fondness for Paul McCartney.

18. John Lennon's hatred of Paul McCartney was so profound it moved him to write "How Do You Sleep?" —among Lennon's most passionate and surly compositions.

19. Paul kept a straight face on Saturday Night Live when Chris Farley interviewed him.

20. Unlike most pretty-boy rock stars, McCartney hasn't submitted to plastic surgery, allowing his mug to wither and melt entertainingly right before our very eyes.

20 THINGS I HATE ABOUT PAUL MCCARTNEY

1. He's, like, old, dewd.

2. "Ebony and Ivory," a giant sucking wound that time can never heal.

3. Ditto for "The Girl Is Mine."

4. And—sweet Jesus, help us—"Silly Love Songs."

5. Leave us not forget "My Love" and "Coming Up."

6. Actually, McCartney may well be responsible for more terrifying, cloying pop songs than any major rock star in history, living or dead. Except perhaps for Brian Wilson.

7. "Paul Is Dead."

8. He was mean to George. How could anyone have been mean to George?

9. He helped make political correctness fashionable.

10. As far as I can tell, he was the first person ever to sport a mullet.

11. His wife had one, too.

12. In the nepotism sweepstakes, Linda's musical contributions were even more invidious when imposed on hubby's work than were Yoko Ono's.

13. "Silly Love Songs" again. So bad I must count it as two items.

14. Band on the Run is the only truly great post-Beatles album he has ever released. And he has released a lot of post-Beatles albums.

15. He stole Little Richard's vocal shtick and never gave him proper credit.

16. He can't sing "Hey Jude" anymore. But that doesn't stop him from trying.

17. He has steadfastly refused all interview requests with me for the past 20 years, as have all other former Beatles. Bungholes.

18. In company with such other charter members of the no-longer-hip club as Linda Ronstadt and Billy Joel, McCartney released his "new wave" album, McCartney II, in 1980. This was perhaps the most embarrassing solo album unleashed by an ex-Beatle. Except maybe for Two Virgins.

19. In his old age, "The Cute Beatle" now looks exactly like John McGiver (you know, the old character-actor guy who played the religious nut in Midnight Cowboy), making me painfully aware of my own mortality.

20. I will neither need him nor feed him when he's 64—in four short years.

Paul McCartney performs at the Arrowhead Pond, 2695 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 704-2400. Sun., 8 p.m. $50-$250.
 
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