Whos the Bigger Lowlife?

Our least favorite was a girl with a black-tar smile and a baseball-sized bruise on her thigh. Let's speak no more of her. She made us sad.

Commie Girl recommends:

•Tustin's Swinging Door, which was most aptly described by Ricki as "a boys' bar where girls go to get laid." The friendly, brightly lit place has a good cross-section of man, from Alabama to frat boy to stockbroker, and a couple of pool tables.

•Human Nature, which features vaginas that are neither intimidatingly perfect nor terrifyingly hairless.

And the fourchette, a grotesque piercing that you shouldn't really want, but if you do, by all means call Ricki at Rif Raf Body Piercing in Newport Beach. The piercing stretches through the area of skin between the anus and the genitals. For women, it's $150; for men, $200 (not including jewelry). Why the differential? Men fart during the ordeal. "Women will hold it in until they're dead," Ricki explains, "but men just can't help it."