Its All Right That Popes Were Laying the Nuns

President Nixon answers your religious holiday queries*

President Nixon,

It happens every year. I try to have a nice Passover Seder with my family but get pulled into a horrible game of one-upmanship with my oldest sister. You know how it goes: she'll tell me of a special dish she's preparing, so I arrange an audit of her by the IRS. She'll tell me of some special words she's planning to say at the table, and I'll send G. Gordon Liddy to Miami to kill some Cuban. It's very discouraging. I mean, is killing what Passover is all about?

You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana is Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists.

President Nixon, I'm eight years old. The other night, I heard someone in our living room, and when I sneaked downstairs, I saw someone fiddling with our electrical sockets, phone receivers and light fixtures. When I asked him what he was doing, he seemed startled but then said he was the Grinch and this was just like the storyThe Grinch That Stole Easter. I told him that the Grinch didn't steal Easter, that the Grinch came at Christmas, and it was the Easter Bunny that came at Easter. He said, "Okay, that's who I am—that Easter Bubby guy." So I asked him if I could call him Mr. Peter Cottontail, and he said, "Yeah, sure, knock yourself out" but that most of his associates called him either Nighthawk or G. Gordon. So I asked him if he was planting eggs around the house, and he said, "Uh, yeeaaah, I'm planting Easter eggs." But he said they were special, tiny Easter Eggs, no bigger than a bug and that I mustn't tell anyone about them or their magic spell would be broken and the Easter Bubby would have to come back and put pillows over all our faces while we slept. That sounded okay to me. My question is this: Why did the Easter Bubby eat my hamster?

Dope? Do you think the Russians allow dope? Hell, no. Not if they can catch it—they send them up. You see, homosexuality, dope, uh, immorality in general: these are the enemies of strong societies. That's why the Communists and the left-wingers are pushing it. They're trying to destroy us.

President Nixon, I'm a Catholic priest. . . . No, I'm not! I'm just like any working Joe whose job requires him to wear long robes and interact daily with young boys, you know like a spot welder . . . yes, a spot welder. That's what I am—I'm a spot welder. And when I am welding spots, I often think to myself, "I wonder if there are any young boys, say ages nine to 13, who'll be all alone this Easter, perhaps dressed in one of those adorable blue-shorts-and-bow-tie ensembles. Perhaps I could comfort one or two of them, you know, demonstrate a bit of my spot welding skills for them. Would you know of any such boys, and do you have any pictures?

The point that I make is that, goddamn it, I do not think that you glorify on public television homosexuality. You don't glorify it, John, anymore than you glorify, uh, whores. I don't want to see this country go that way. You know what happened to the Greeks? Homosexuality destroyed them. Sure, Aristotle was a homo—we all know that—so was Socrates.

President Nixon, Uh, yeah, I'm not a Catholic priest either. You got any of that lonely Easter boy action for me? Haven't welded in weeks.

Do you know what happened to the Romans? The last six Roman emperors were fags. . . . You know what happened to the popes? It's all right that popes were laying the nuns. That's been going on for years, centuries, but when the popes, when the Catholic Church went to hell in, I don't know, three or four centuries ago, it was homosexual. . . . Now, that's what happened to Britain; it happened earlier to France. And let's look at the strong societies. The Russians. Goddamn it, they root them out; they don't let 'em hang around at all. You know what I mean? I don't know what they do with them.

President Nixon, Since religious holy days are a good time for reflection, I can't help but wonder if the fact that I'm a psychiatrist who enjoys smoking large amounts of marijuana while watching films of popes laying nuns is the reason the Easter Bubby keeps threatening to put a pillow over my face. What do you think?

Well, it's also the Jews are an irreligious, aesthetic, immoral bunch of bastards.

*All of President Nixon's remarks are taken from recently released taped conversations that took place in the Oval Office in 1971 and 1972.
 
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