Patient: Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones, "Clone War" trailer
Profile: The fourth—and latest—of the
Star Wars trailers that gives way too much information in the way of geo-political machinations and not nearly enough in the way of stuff blowing up and sexy slave princesses in skimpy slave costumes with matching dog collar. Think
Voltron: The Movie meets
Stratego: The Commercial meets
Revenge of the Nerds IX, Nerds in Space: The Search for Tang, Poon.Symptoms: While this trailer, which opened last weekend accompanying
Ice Age, showcases the film's strengths—special effects, computer-generated creatures, big battle scenes and light sabers, light sabers, light sabers!—it also showcases the stilted acting and writing—"Begun this Clone War has!"—that stunk up
Episode One: The Phantom Menace, which, by all except the most ardent 36-year-old virgin living in his parent's den accounts, sucked major Wookiee lumber. Though we get a few scenes of flying shiny things and dragons, we mostly get lots of actors in robes talking in that self-important manner one usually finds in Bible epics and other
Star Wars movies. Hey, even the original three movies were pretty weak dialogue-wise, so why all this talk and context that means nothing except to the most devoted fan? We're referring to someone like Josh of TheForce.net's
Jedi Council, who called "Clone War" the "Best. Trailer. Ever" and said the "look over the shoulders of the muttering Genosians into the Arena is exciting." As if, Josh. Your point about the look being exciting is my very point. There's far too much talking and not enough looks. I can't believe you would say that. I mean, fuck the Genosians! Yeah, I said it—it's about time somebody did.
Diagnosis: Less talk, more looks—and did you know the Genosians control 80 percent of the media?
Lyndon Larouche and
Billy Graham have been saying it for years.
C-3PO
Prescription: Compared with previous
Episode Two trailers, "Clone War" is better than the dreadful "Forbidden Love"—"Just being around her again is intoxicating"—and on par with "Mystery""Dangerous and disturbing his puzzle." But all have too much talk. Learn from
Episode One which had nothing but talk and nearly wrecked the franchise. TheForce.net Jedi Council member Scott said that
Episode One left such a bad aftertaste that "I'd been looking forward to
Spiderman more than
Star Wars." Granted, Scott may be posturing the bad boy to impress some Geek hoochie, but the point is you don't want these trailers to remind people of
Episode One. The solution? Show your
Episode Two "Breathing" trailer exclusively. It's short, dark with nary a word of dialogue, just the iconic breathing of Vader playing over foreboding landscapes and images of armored soldiers jetpacking around obelisks. Hey, you're
Star Wars; it's not like you need to catch us up to speed. Just give us enough to imagine the story we'd like to see. That'll get us in the theater. There'll be plenty of time to disappoint us then.
