Aussie and Hairy It

Illustration by Bob AulI'm not sure how things are done in the land Down Under, but here in the USA, we don't live like characters in a George Orwell novel. You see, in America, we are encouraged to exercise our First Amendment right—that would be the one regarding freedom of speech. Not being an American yourself but an émigré from the Texas of the South Pacific, you may not grasp this inalienable right. That would explain your outrage in the face of straight talk. If you're an example of Australian culture (and I know you're not; I saw Gallipoli), I'd guess all Aussies were liars and whores. That's why your staff hates you: it's not because we're "disgruntled" (we're pretty gruntled when you're not around), but because of our empty bank accounts and the occasional yet common enough venereal disease now spreading through the staff courtesy of your hairy, infected member. Before you spread your lies, disease and malice as far as you spread your legs, do this country a favor: take your antisocial manners and your social diseases back to the lost continent.