Diary of a Mad County

TUESDAY, March 5 UFO Digest—the Art Bell of the print world—drops a bombshell: a day before Marilyn Monroe's "suicide," the CIA learned she was going to hold a press conference to tell all about a crashed spacecraft and dead bodies that John F. Kennedy mentioned to her. Our own Congressman Chris Cox (R-Newport Beach) requested a list of the government's covert extraterrestrial evidence, and included was a transcript based on a CIA wiretap of Monroe's bungalow, reports UFO Digest's Dirk Vander Ploeg. Up next for Cox: tracking down the parents of the Weekly World Newsmonkey boy.

WEDNESDAY, March 6 TV cameras show gushing GOP gubernatorial nominee Bill Simon clasping hands with defeated rivals Richard Riordan and Bill Jones, but all is not well in Republicanville. Missing from the unity-breakfast podium are two candidates from Orange County—the most Republican county in the state—as both are filing lawsuits alleging the election was a sham. Clockwork failed to speak with Edie Bukewihge of Newport Beach, the only African-American woman in the race, but she e-mailed us to say, "The media was not informed properly, the California Republican Party and Central Committee [are] racist, and George W. Bush along with Bill Simon will see my wrath in court this Monday." Bukewihge was only outpolled by Simon, 1,048,013 to 13,329. We did get in touch with Huntington Beach's Nick Jesson (17,746 votes), whose suit claims he was the only candidate in California to take the proper oath. According to Jesson, various government codes and the state and U.S. constitutions require that candidates pledge they will not join entities that will overthrow the U.S., but this so-called "treasonous paragraph" has been illegally left off oaths since the early 1970s. So Jesson typed one up containing the right language, and just in case his lawsuit spurs candidates to go back and amend their oaths, Jesson got copies of their originals. He vows to serve papers to every candidate in every race in every party, including Gray Davis. "People need to be aware they are electing people who are not willing to take the oath," Jesson says. "If candidates are not willing to say they'll enforce that part of the Constitution, how do we know they'll enforce any of the Constitution?" THURSDAY, March 7 The media goes gaga over the potential for a Sanchez "sister act" in Congress. KTLA Channel 5's morning anchorman went so far as to report that OC labor leader Linda Sanchez won the Lakewood-area congressional seat and is headed to Capitol Hill to join her sister Loretta Sanchez (D-Garden Grove). Actually, both still must win in November, something the pundits have deemed a near certainty. But not everyone is elated. "Glenn," who resides in the district Linda Sanchez hopes to represent, writes on the anti-immigrant American Patrol website (www.americanpatrol.org) that California Democrat-controlled redistricting moved "patriot Republican" Congressman Ed Royce (R-Fullerton) out of the district and "now we may be getting an open borders, pro-Mexico representative!" Glenn recommends that voters view American Patrol's Aztlan video, which this tick tocker could not find at Blockbuster, even in the dusty clearance bin.
Illustration by Bob Aul

The Orange County Sanitation District board puts off a decision to use bleach to disinfect the 243 million gallons of sewage flushed daily into the ocean off Huntington Bleach, er, Beach. Board members want more study on what the $14 million bleaching plan would entail and whether there are any alternatives to Chloroxing Ma Ocean. In other words, they're waiting until local media attention goes away.

FRIDAY, March 8 Florida wants the feds to let its cops arrest and detain undocumented immigrants for being undocumented immigrants, reports the Washington Times. For years, Anaheim beat cop/school trustee Harald Martin has been unsuccessfully trying to get that power granted to his beloved Anaheim P.D. If Florida succeeds, it would mark the first time state and local law enforcement have been granted the same authority as federal Border Patrol and Immigration and Naturalization Service officers. Can we trade Martin to Florida for two hatemongers to be named later? SATURDAY, March 9 A new survey finds that more than 50 percent of California homeowners would be willing to pay more for houses equipped with wind or solar technology. The survey, conducted for the California Energy Commission's Renewable Energy Program, also finds that more than 60 percent of homeowners would be more interested in pads that already have renewable energy systems installed vs. those that do not. More closet space would be nice, too.
Monday, March 11: Caltrans
unveils new truth campaign.
Photo by Matt Coker
SUNDAY, March 10 An unusual advertisement appears on Page A39 of the Los Angeles Times. Large, bold type above a mug shot of Osama bin Laden asks, "Osama Who?" The ad also states, "Come on, let's be honest!" and directs readers to the Doubtcome.com website. A message there explains, "Doubtcome.com is dedicated to raising everyone's awareness of ALL issues. We offer balanced news and information which is not always available elsewhere." An illustration at the bottom of the page is said to be Doubtcome.com's founder, Gaby Kouchacji, who looks like a cross between Geraldo Rivera and Ted Kaczynski. That's also an apt description for the website. Click on "Come on, let's be honest!" and you're taken to a yes-or-no poll with such loaded questions as: "Unless they are having fun watching the agony of their Israelis, whose agents are falling like flies everywhere while international diplomats shed crocodile tears, should American Jews step in and cut the bullshit by letting the honest and influential brokers of Doubtcome.com solve their grievances quickly with social and political Christianity?"; "Despite powerful firewalls, did you know that this website gets hacked by a vicious virus every time we remind American Jews that Israeli Isaacs should not be sacrificed at the altars of arrogance and greed?"; and "Until the Palestinian holocaust overshadows the Jewish Holocaust, has Colin Powell instructed his diplomats around the world: Be boring, act stupid, think like morons, and when you speak say it through the pacifier in your mouth and never mention the condom up your ass?" Many reactions on the feedback page are negative: "an interesting fiction site"; "the author of this website is clearly anti-Semitic and anti-American"; and, "interesting bit of Arabist twaddle, this website of yours." There are just as many raves, with a Wilhelm Otts of Amsterdam dutifully pointing Netizens to a different website that purports a link between "Israeli intelligence established in Hollywood and Mohammed Atta and the Sept. 11 attack and planning." We've got questions, too: How can a website with no advertising on the site itself afford a pricey quarter-page ad in the Sunday LA Times? When did the namby-pamby Times start accepting such ads? Is the Timesconnected to Israeli intelligence in Hollywood? And how the hell do Marilyn Monroe, Chris Cox and monkey boy figure into all this?