We Love You Just the Way You Arent

Republican fringe gubernatorial candidate Nick Jesson: It's time to stop talking about how you can't be racist because you've got a Filipina wife. Own it. Flaunt it. Be the best racist you can be. Explain to your friends at the California Coalition for Immigration Rights (CCIR) rallies that you've got a Filipina wife because she cleans a toilet like nobody's business.

CCIR chairwoman Barbara Coe: When putting on shoes, ensure that both are the same color. Otherwise, you look like a cuckoo.

Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez: Is it possible to be both a shocking flirt and a powerful woman? Sure! Just ask Clare Boothe Luce or Madeleine Albright. So now resolve to be powerful.

The Orange County Register: Big-pated curmudgeon Gordon Dillow and snarky humor columnist Jeff Kramer should resolve to kiss and make up. Their ongoing intracolumn feud upsets the elderly.

The LA Times editorial board: I'd say it's a case for further study. Oh! I kill me!

District Attorney Tony Rackauckas: With all the roiling rumors about how you're protecting your political cronies from investigation and the fact that your own prosecutors have endorsed rival Wally Wade over you—the incumbent—for the first time in OC history, now is the time to resolve to "spend more time with your family."

OC Weekly: "Hey! Isn't it about time we gave our talented and hard-working and really quite extraordinary staff a raise?" Why, yes! It is! Also, we need that couch back that we used to nap on.

Extraterrestrial teleministers Jan and Paul Crouch, bankrupt Republican Committeewoman Jo Ellen Allan and all Dornans great and small: Who're we kidding? You're terrific just as you are!

Resolve to e-mail the Girl: CommieGirl99@hotmail.com.