By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Illustration by Bob AulMONDAY, Jan. 14On his morning radio show (broadcast locally on KLSX-FM 97.1), Howard Stern asks Dana Reeve, the wife of actor/director Christopher Reeve, if they killed the horse that threw the Superman star, who was left paralyzed. "No," answers the missiz. "This lady named Joan Irvine Smith gave us $1 million" to protect the horse. Wonder if the Irvine Co. heiress makes retroactive payments? As a wee wind-up, we got bucked by a horse, cracking open our little noggin (shame on anyone who just said, "That explains a lot."). We also spared the equine's life, seeing as how we were bawling our eyes out and writhing in pain at the time. That's worth at least a couple of grand, eh, Joanie?TUESDAY, Jan. 15 A Journal of the American Medical Association survey finds that in any given week, 80 percent of Americans are popping some kind of medication along with unregulated herbal remedies. Meanwhile, a German survey on countries with the strongest yearning for sex in public places ranks Americans near the bottom. We're obviously too drugged to fuck.
Speaking at the annual Shakespeare Theatre Association of America conference in Washington, D.C., Cal State Fullerton dance and theater professor Jim Volz says ethnic sensitivities are hindering American theaters' performances of some of the Bard's best-known works. While managing the Alabama Shakespeare Festival, Volz was approached by a corporate sponsor who said she "just loved Shakespeare but that I had to understand that there were two plays that we simply couldn't do—ever: Othello and The Merchant of Venice." Blacks and Jews have complained about the black general who murders his wife and the Jewish merchant Shylock demanding a pound of Christian flesh, respectively. No word yet from Paris about Henry V's depiction of the ass-kicking England handed out to French forces at Agincourt.SATURDAY, Jan. 19 Speaking of arbiters of political correctness, the new name chosen for the Santee Lakes Regional Park and Campground sparked grumbles, reports the San Diego Union-Tribune. To tie in with vacation fun spot Jackson Hole, Wyoming, while at the same time honoring Hosmer P. McKoon, who settled the Santee area in 1885, the Padre Dam Water District staff unveiled "McKoon's Hole Recreational Preserve." That alarmed Santee Mayor Randy Voepel, who worried about the nicknames that could arise from McKoon's Hole, especially given his city's reputation for racial intolerance. "Everything gets shortened," explained Voepel. That may be, but the good folks of Santee oughta consider the patriotic substitute being bandied about Weekly headquarters: Old Glory Hole Recreational Preserve. SUNDAY, Jan. 20In times of war, some pray, some tie yellow ribbons 'round the old oak tree and some partake in gay porn. The websites Jam Sandwhich (www.jamsandwhich.com) and Memepool (www.memepool.com) direct Netizens to a site—blake/prohosting.com/armyporn/index.html—that asks the burning questions: "Do you like a man in uniform? Do you like watching hard-bodied men? Do you like your men hard, horny and green? Do you have what it takes to enter the battlefield and the barracks?" If the answer is aye-aye; hoo-rah; sir, yes, sir; and ahoy, matey, then "select your coordinates, soldier: 'The Captain,' Handjobs, Anal, Oral, Group." Scrolling across the bottom of the green-fatigued page is this message: "Interracial sex cumming soon! Watch greens and tans in action." These guys do by 6 a.m. what 90 percent of us don't do all day.
During a commercial break from The Simpsons (not the all-new episode but one of the continually looping repeats), we're repulsed to hear a slow, tortured rendering of the Beatles tune "Taxman" to hawk income-tax services. Thank Krishna George Harrison ain't around to see this.MONDAY, Jan. 21 It's Martin Luther King Jr. Day, but 75 percent of America's workplaces aren't celebrating. All 50 states now recognize MLK Day, and post offices, the New York Stock Exchange and most schools are closed. However, only one-quarter of the nation's employers offer it as a paid holiday, according to a survey by the Bureau of National Affairs. (Weekly staffers have the option of taking off today or some other day with pay.) The reasons for not giving Dr. King his props range from the cost to the controversy that surrounded the slain civil-rights leader. Scholars point to King's last days, when he was fighting for social justice and the poor, causes that didn't sit well with corporate America. Hypocritically, some businesses now use racial diversity to market themselves. But not all King supporters are peeved over his holiday's sad fate. "With any holiday, you get a three-day ski weekend. Why does that have a significance with respect to honoring Martin Luther King?" history professor Clayborne Carson, director of the Martin Luther King Jr. Papers Project at Stanford University, told the Associated Press. "I'm hoping that we can find ways of celebrating that have more meaning."