Mirainga raped by Olsen Twins!

Let's say I publish a music magazine. Say I meet a big, famous rock star through my dealings with the music magazine and develop a personal and professional friendship with said big, famous rock star that lasts more than 30 years. Say this big, famous rock star puts out a new album that could use a little publicity, so I decide to write a slobbering, five-star review of my big, famous rock-star pal's new album, well aware that five-star album reviews in my mag are extremely rare and that the publication of any five-star review will become news itself, helping to generate much-coveted buzz for my friend's album and making it appear that said album is better than it actually is. And say that in this review, I never disclose the fact that I've been long-term buddies with this big, famous rock star, so it also appears that the review is the opinion of a fair, unbiased rock critic. That's pretty much what happened when Rolling Stone recently ran a review of Mick Jagger's new solo album, Goddess in the Doorway, penned by none other than the magazine's Napoleonic publisher, Jann S. Wenner. Jagger and Wenner have been close for more than three decades and were even brief business partners in a failed attempt at a British version of the magazine in the late '60s. So protective of Jagger is Wenner, according to Robert Draper's 1990 book Rolling Stone Magazine: The Uncensored History, that a Rolling Stone critic's review of Jagger's 1987 solo album, Primitive Cool, was "rejected for its mild criticisms, then reassigned to a different critic and heavily edited by Jann." Wenner's Goddess in the Doorway review is not so much a review as a fawning, breathless press release: "In terms of consistency, craftsmanship and musical experimentation," Wenner writes, "Goddess in the Doorway surpasses all his solo work and any Rolling Stones album since Some Girls. . . .Masterful use of tension and restraint is part of what makes Goddess in the Doorway so beguiling. . . . It is a clear-eyed and inspired Mick Jagger who crafted Goddess in the Doorway, an insuperably strong record that in time may well reveal itself to be a classic. World, meet Mick Jagger, solo artist." Gag.In the interest of cutting-edge investigative journalism, LowBallAssChatter sat through an entire spin of the Jagger album. Our review: "Half a star: like almost every note Jagger has crooned since Goat's Head Soup, it's a dull, unlistenable turd. And we're not being mean just because Keith Richards is our father, either." (RK)

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