Dating Lessons for Dorks

Illustration by Bob AulPark rangers have more important duties to attend to than pulling your 1999 sable-colored Toyota Camry from the rising tides at Crystal Cove. Apparently they don't cover basic common sense at UCLA graduate school: (1) Do not drive your Camry down a single-lane bike path posted "NO CARS." (2) If by the grace of the mighty sedan gods you do manage to get your car down to the shore, remember that a Camry is not an off-road vehicle; once you are stuck, driving forward and then reversing will only dig you deeper into the sand. (3) In situations such as this one, those cell phones you condemn as "evil" come in handy. With a cell phone, you can call for help so that you don't have to wait until the U.S. Coast Guard—now patrolling our shores for terrorists—salvages your car from the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. To recap: getting your car towed out of the beach and dropping off your date in a tow truck is definitely not the way to win the girl. Serenading her with the mini-accordion you bought in Tijuana? Now we're talking!