Oowwiieeee!

I won't be going to the Girly Freak Show this Sunday at the Galaxy Concert Theatre because I'm kind of a wimp, but you should go. Where else are you going to see Ula the Pain-Proof Rubber Girl, a.k.a. Madame Twisto, who contorts on a bed of nails, breaks cinder blocks on her chest, extinguishes cigarettes orally, and then does a trapeze act in six-inch heals and performs as part of a "pussy-whipping cowgirl duo"? What, exactly, is a "pussy-whipping cowgirl duo"? I know not either, but I bet it's vaguely sexual and involves the illusion of pain, which is the foundation of all this freaky sideshow crap.

Ula the Pain-Proof Rubber Girl is not only an original member of the Girly Freak Show but—in 1996—also a co-founder of the whole thing with Slymenstra Hymen, whom you might remember from Gwar. Hymen not only serves as hostess of the evening but also breathes fire, eats glass and shoots things out of her fingertips, and for some reason, I really think I've seen her painted blue, but I have no idea why or where. Fuck the blue—more important, Hymen is the first woman to pass more than one million volts of electricity through her body. She also holds a Guinness World Record for breathing 38-foot flames. There are lots of Guinness World Record holders in the troupe, which makes you wonder about the kind of people who are in the Guinness Book of World Records. Where's the guy with the long twisty fingernails, huh? He would be good for this show! And where's the lady with the really long hair? She would be good, too! But alas, they are probably dead. Instead, there's Miss Behave, Sword Swallower and Female Oddity, who's one of the last female sword swallowers in the world. (Now what do you have to say for yourselves, ladies? Get off your lazy asses and go swallow some swords already! Do it for the sisterhood!) And there's Camanda Galactica, Mistress of Fire, who's on loan from the Know Nothing Family Zirkis Zideshow. On loan, people! On loan for you, for your visual enjoyment and edification! Galactica might not hold any world records (or she might, actually), but she does, and I quote, "a passionate belly-dance and tap-dance routine."

And then there's Zamora the Torture King, Token Male Guest Star, who's so disgusting he warns the audience to avert their gaze or talk to their friends or walk around if they begin to feel queasy because, according to Zamora, people have fainted from watching his stunts, which include sticking big surgical needles through his forearms, biceps and mouth. My friend Diana was fine until she saw the needle go through his tongue and out the bottom of his mouth. She had to race to the bathroom, lightheaded, and then talk herself out of fainting.

What fun, I say!

But unfortunately, Zamora won't be performing at Sunday's show; he appeared only in LA.

On second thought, maybe I will go.