Menopausal, Bitter, Old, Deranged

Ladies and gentlemen, Roseanne! Just Roseanne!

Roseanne—the Roseanne—is coming to Irvine. Her personal assistant gave me the secret codename to get past hotel security in Vegas, and I called her, right on time. Guess what? She was mean! Surprise!

Roseanne: Hi. OC Weekly: Hello. May I call you Roseanne?

You can call me whatever you want. "Roseanne" would be good, since that's my only name right now. Or you may call me "Queen."

You may call me Rebecca. What made you decide to go out on the road again?

I'm not out on the road. I'm in Las Vegas. Are you asking why I'm doing standup again?

Uh, yes.

Well, the last time I performed in front of an audience was probably two years ago. As for standup, it's been a really long time—seven years. I'm doing standup again because I've got something to say. And it's funny. Of course, all standups have something to say.

Hopefully.

Yeah, hopefully. Anyway, I missed being in front of an audience because I'm a performer and a big, fat ham. I've been doing it again for a couple of months.

[Kissing ass] Are they loving every minute of it?

Sometimes. Sometimes it's a hard sell. You know, it's post-Sept. 11, and people are shell-shocked.

Okay, I have a question for you: you know how Eddie Murphy used to be like the funniest guy ever, and then he got rich . . .

I disagree.

About what?

Well, first, I don't think he was the funniest ever. Richard Pryor was the funniest ever.

Okay, well anyway, then he got rich, and he wasn't funny anymore. . . .

I think he's very funny still; he's not as juvenile, but very funny.

Well, anyway, I wanted to ask you . . . since you're coming to Orange County . . .

Yes, I am coming to Orange County, to the Irvine Improv. I went down there to see my friend Judy Tenuta perform, and I found the people to be very intelligent and so cool! It is one of my handpicked places to perform.

Well, I wanted to ask you how it was to be really poor when you started out, and now you've got all these piles of cash, and I wanted to know how that was going for you. I'm a socialist, and I work in Orange County, so it's interesting for me.

Why?

Why what?

Why are you? How old are you? 19?

I'm 28. It's how I was raised. My mom is 58, and she's a Marxist.

Well, it's how I was raised, too. My dad was like that.

Where did you grow up?

Salt Lake City, Utah.

I didn't know they allowed communists there!

He wasn't a communist! He was a socialist.

Close enough for most Americans! [Mean pause] I was raised that way. But I find it to be today another excuse to hate people. Do you mean it's an excuse to hate rich people?

It targets somebody as an enemy. It's diversionary stuff. I think that's screwed. We all need to fix ourselves. That's the kind of journey I'm on now. I'm menopausal. Bitter. Old. Deranged.

Have you changed because of the piles of money?

More than anything, it changed everyone around me. I have the same beliefs I've always had. They've always worked for me, so why change them? One thing about being fantastically wealthy and famous, it allows you to do a lot of good things. I've got a foundation. . . .

What kinds of things do you do?

I do a lot of things. Things for kids. It's very spiritually fulfilling.

So what kind of things will you be talking about in your act?

I'm looking to expand my act, make it kind of a theater piece. I'm more mature as a performer now.

What do you do with your days? [Snotty] I run a business. I have an Internet business, a studio I make things in. I also have a lot of time to lounge around my pool. I moved out of LA, so there's no show business around me. Oh, where did you move to?

The Peninsula.

The Peninsula?

The Palos Verdes Peninsula.

[observing that's LA] Oh.

I've started writing; I'm writing a book. But then my friend Louis called and asked if I wanted to do some dates. I said, "Yeah, I would love to perform again!"

So could you give us kind of a preview of your act?

A preview?

What kinds of things you'll be talking about?

Well, I just told you! I'll be talking about aging, menopause, hate. Humorous stuff. About being wealthy and fat. The usual jokes, but more mature. So you're a communist who lives in Orange County? Did you do that so everyone would hate you?

No, actually, people love me. Maybe because it's so forbidden.

People love you because you're a communist? You mean men?

No, I mean everybody.

Because I no longer have sex. I'm menopausal. I'm a crone, actually. That's what I am.

My mom says she knows exactly the time she lost all her hormones. She said she is absolutely invisible walking down the strand.

That's so funny you would say that! Invisible! That's exactly the reason I started going onstage. Women our age are totally censored. It's like in Afghanistan; we're the wisest creatures on the planet, and nobody listens. That's why we have to biologically reengineer the male.

How?

To make them more docile, with larger penises. That would bring peace and stability to the planet. There. There's a joke for you. I don't have sex anymore. I want people to understand sex is grotesque, and people should stop having it so they can think clearly. Now that I'm a crone; I can read the future and do other amazing things instead of humping all day long. I'm more evolved. You should put in there that I do mindreading now, so if people want to know the future, they should think of a question.

Okay, here's one: Is there anything else I should have asked you and didn't?

No.

Roseanne performs at the Irvine Improv, Irvine Spectrum Center, 71 Fortune Dr., Ste. 841, Irvine, (949) 854-5455; www.improv.com. Fri., 8:30 & 10:30 p.m.; Sat., 7 & 9 p.m. $25. 18+.
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