By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
This week's featured NFL game: Carolina Panthers vs. New Orleans Saints
Carolina update: That unkillable segregatin' machine, South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond, 98, was back at work in the Capitol a day after taking ill. Thurmond complained of feeling lightheaded; concerned staffers rushed him to the hospital, noting that the last time Thurmond felt lightheaded he ran for president as a Dixiecrat. Thurmond, who was 32 when Elvis Presley was born, thanked doctors and then his Dark Overlord, whom he credited with keeping him alive with the blood of former boy-band members. (The senator is especially fond of a big bowl of Menudo.) Thurmond, who is old enough to be Bob Dole's father, nonetheless is known around Washington as "Sperm" Thurmond, owing to his preference for young women. He married his first wife, Jean, when he was 44 and she was 21. He and his second wife, Nancy Moore, a former Miss America contestant, got hitched when he was 66 and she was—hello—21, proving he has a very strom thurmond indeed. Hail Satan!
New Orleans update: New Orleans avoided potentially devastating damage to its Tourist, Public Urination, and Drunken College Girls Flashing Tits for Dentist Office Trinkets industries when city and NFL officials reached an agreement with the National Automobile Dealers Association (NADA) to allow the Super Bowl to be played in the Super Dome the first week of February. NADA, which had rented the stadium for its convention that week, had initially stood firm. "This is not a done deal yet," NADA's David Hyatt said during negotiations, stressing that he still had to talk to his sales manager about the deal and was concerned about one of the league's credit reports. A deal was finally reached when Hyatt convinced the NFL that his sales manager would be more open to the deal if the league accepted the complete rust-proofing package as well as the extended warranty.
Carolina: It'd be hard to top the predicament of Spring Lake, North Carolina, businessman Ghassan Mustafa, who bought a restaurant in 1999 called "Osama's Place" and decided to keep the name. Needless to say, the restaurant, located on the edge of Fort Bragg, has experienced a bit of a drop in business since Sept. 11. No word on whether Mustafa is considering changing the name to something less repellent, such as "Lil' Bit of Hitler" "McRingworm," "International House of Bile," "The Olive Goehring" or "Sizzler."
Consensus: Did somebody say McRingworm? Not us. Go Saints!