By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
This week's featured game: Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Seattle Seahawks
Jacksonville update: Things have quieted down considerably in Florida, where there's been nary a Cuban boy kidnapped or democracy usurped in months. The biggest news lately, besides the guy who was eaten by the alligator, is that former Attorney General Janet Reno will run for governor against Republican incumbent Jeb Bush. Bush, busy pulling a three-card-monte scam on some elderly Jews, was unavailable for comment. Asked if she was the best man for the job of governing America's phallus, the tall, baritone Reno grinned slyly and said, "I have what it takes."
Seattle update: Still smarting from last year, when they were set upon by vicious bands of vegans and peace marchers, Seattle is understandably jumpy in these uncertain times. After all, during the millennium celebration, Seattle was supposedly a target of terrorists who planned to blow up the Space Needle, long a national symbol of how rubes will pay good money for anything with an elevator and the word "Space" in it. Security has been stepped up at SeaTac Airport, where searches have been added to the airport's usual security measure of asking passengers where they're from, how soon they're going back, couldn't they go back any faster, and did they buy any overpriced Washington real estate during their visit, the bastards.
Shotgun formation: Some blamed apathy for the low turnout at recent Jacksonville town meetings on racial and cultural harmony. In all, just 18 people showed up at six locations to talk about what they hated about one another. Others said they thought the small numbers—down from a booming 30 in August and September—were because race was a painful subject to talk about, while still others believed it had something to do with Floridians being a bunch of redneck crackers.
Misdirection: Unfortunately, the same attention Seattle residents have shown for safety has not been there for the local school system. The NAACP is threatening to sue because only 6 percent of African-American 10th graders met the state math standard. Indeed, even crime is taking a back seat these days. Just the other day, Dale Reed escaped from two civilian women—one of whom was a friend of Reed's former cellmate—who'd escorted him to a doctor's appointment. Reed, who had pleaded guilty to armed robbery and is characterized as "violent" by the FBI, ingeniously eluded officials by walking out the back door.
Consensus: You know what they say—you can't say Seattle without saying "self-absorbed." On the other hand, you can't say Florida without saying "candlelight vigil" and "was pronounced dead at 12:18 a.m. Eastern Standard Time." Go Seahawks!