By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
A faithful reader sent us an advertisement on Sept. 13 that appears to have been clipped from Popular Militia Manmagazine. San Diego-based "self-defense/fitness/concealment" company Magills hawks the "CIA Plastic Knife," which is touted as being "undetectable to metal scanners" and strong enough to cut through tape, boxes and plastic bags. Accompanying photos show the CIA Plastic Knife was "easily stuck" into a two-by-four (pronounced "tuba four") and an apple. Says the unnamed product endorser, "I've used it to open letters, cut boxes, clean my fingernails, and, yes, I do take one onto airplanes when I travel . . . just in case." In case of what? A summons to slice up the crew, overpower the pilot and fly into a skyscraper? You'd think Magills would realize its products are just as accessible to kamikaze terrorists as they are to self-anointed freedom lovers. Actually, it appears the company does realize that: the CIA Plastic Knife is no longer among the products listed on the Magills website (www. magills.com), and a site search came up fruitless—and CIA Plastic Knifeless. But Magills is still pushing the Stainless Stealth Blade: it looks like a writing pen, acts like a switchblade! Be the first in first class to own one!
HEATHEN HELP US Notice how the only time you hear from the Reverend Jerry Falwell is when you absolutely do not want to hear from the Reverend Jerry Falwell? According to one of those little lines of text scrolling across the bottom of the screen during the round-the-clock "America Under Attack" coverage on [Insert Your Favorite Cable Network Name Here], Falwell blames the bloodbath on "pagans." If that's so, Reverend Fathead, how come organizers canceled the Sept. 15 Pagan Pride Day 2001 festivities at Woodley Park in Van Nuys in deference to national mourning? Shouldn't they be dancing around the willows in unbridled joy? All you godless heathens will be relieved to know your event has been rescheduled for Oct. 20. Tell 'em Jerry sent you.
REACH OUT AND TORCH SOMEONE When we read this on the Internet last week, we thought it was a joke: "Osama bin Laden has proclaimed the United States his enemy. He has been connected with acts of terror ranging from the murder of U.S. military personnel in Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Sudan and Somalia. His terror has inflicted death on hundreds of civilians as well and his efforts continue. GetBinLaden.com's goal is to end his reign of terror and bring him to justice. You can help . . . AND SAVE MONEY ON YOUR LONG DISTANCE BILL EVERY MONTH! . . . GetBinLaden.com has partnered with Iphonebill to help you save money on your long-distance bill every month while assisting in putting bin Laden behind bars. GetBinLaden.com will contribute 5 percent of your paid monthly phone bill into a reward fund for the capture and conviction of bin Laden."Riiight, and the first 100 applicants get bonus frequent-flier miles!
Guess what? Datamine Inc.'s GetBinLaden.com offer was genuine, originally appearing online in June. Unfortunately, many Netizens who found the site after the Sept. 11 attacks didn't know that. They figured it was a sick joke or callous attempt to profit off sorrow. Several threatened Datamine employees, so the company removed the site to protect its workers, according to a letter that pops up when you now long onto GetBinLaden.com. Datamine ends with "God Bless America."
THIS JUST IN Fountain Valley-based California Young Americans for Freedom faxed us on Sept. 17 to say they support a declaration of war against the Taliban, the use of nukes in that war, and the resurrection of the House Un-American Activities Committee to root out terrorists and their supporters on American soil. Somewhere in Hell, Joe McCarthy is smiling.