Dear Commie Girl

If you think its so easy, you write my damn column

Dear friends:

My boss is enthralled by the letters you people send. I always forward them to him so he knows how many people write to me, and that way I won't ever get fired. At least, not again. "Save those letters for a week when you need a column," he's always telling me. And though I find it the height of self-indulgence, I'm complying. Who's the boss? He's the boss!

yr current article on oc weekly is not bad. but the thing that boggles me is that u actually have the guts to refer to yrself as beautiful? yr beautiful? LOL whenever i peruse over the weekly and come across yr little article and read bits and pieces(it's obvious i don't read yr article entirely) u do nothing but b*tch. u b*tch like a fat, ugly, 4-foot nothing, beret on yr bangs wearing, tons of make-up wearing, attention striving riot grrrl prik. now, now, don't be pissed coz u know i'm rite. ;) btw, don't claim u did what u did in that bar if u don't have pix to prove it. and also, why don't u ever have yr pic on yr article like most of the contributing scribes on the weekly? i guess it only proves that i'm correct once again. damn, i'm good at analyzing ppl based on their writings. =) if u have the pic to prove me wrong, don't hesitate to send it to me.

Anonymous

Dear Ms. Girl,

It's actually Quelle horreur, not Quelle horrible. If you're going to be a dangerous socialist art critic, you need to know these things.

Was one of those saftigen schoenen Maedchen (sorry, no Umlauts on my Mac) you? Which one? On second thought, never mind—I'm a fag anyway.

Curious Tom

My Dearest Commie Girl,

I love you Commie Girl. I desire you in every way—physically, emotionally, spiritually, willy, and nilly. I will do anything for you, my dearest Cogi—if I may call you Cogi—Cogi, my pet, my love, my universe. I will live the Communist life for you Cogi. Even if no one is communist anymore, even if you are the last communist in the world, I will do it for you, because nothing is sadder than a Communist by herself. Now I am crying because you are maybe a communist by herself. I have so much feeling inside for you Cogi that if I cannot have you then I shall rip my beaten heart out of my chest and ask you to hold it while I die. I cannot go on without you, Cogi. So let us eat and drink and plan our commune together, and we shall show the world a new way, a better way, our way.

Plus, I have a 6 figure income, a nice home in Laguna Niguel, and a paid-for Chevy Tahoe SUV. And cable.

Tenderest Emotions,

Vlademir Torchevsky (please, call me Vlade)

P.S. Also a knock-knock joke for you: Knock-knock. Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Me. Hah! You see? Marry Me! Marry me Cogi, and we shall live together in a blissful state of matrimony, in California.

Dearest Cogi,

My SUV? Is it not a necessity? I cannot imagine what a small car might be like. I would be a little minnow among whales, trying to sea ahead while wiggling. But for you I would become a minnow, or perhaps a sea lion since I am always curious and having fun.

Enjoy the holiday today as we celebrate fireworks in the sky.

Warmest regrets,

Vlade

Becca,

I saw the invitation to win a date with you, so I started writing, and the next thing I knew I was this Vlade guy. You inspired me! But he isn't real. I'm real, but unfortunately we're probably not a good match. I'm guessing I'm too old (41) and too tall (6'5") for you. And I'm definitely too quiet for you. You need an outgoing guy to accompany you to all those social events you're always attending.

But I've read your articles for years and really enjoy them.

Sometimes I even check out the places and the art. Anyway, I apologize for temporarily misleading you.

Thanks for providing the opportunity for "Vlade" to express himself, it was fun. I just wanted to entertain you a little—you know, returning the favor.

Being straight with you now,

Dave

Becca,

Don't cry. Nothing is sadder —oh wait, you've heard that one already.

I DO feel bad. Really. Thanks for saying I'm wonderful. You're wonderful. Really. Now I feel like I have to say "really" all the time or you won't believe me. I'm really sorry. Really. Really. Okay, I'll stop. Bye for now.

Dave

Oh, Becca. he's very sweet and shy and probably married and oh, shit. life is harder for you young folks with all the finagling you have to do to even connect. it's like when you three older kids were born vs. when john was born. i had so many more options to deal with when pregnant with john and it totally stressed me out (amniotic fluids and what they portended and needles in the crown of his little head taking seismic readings on his heaert and blood pressure and other things before he was even born and me watching the tv monitor and freaking out when the lines changed as i struggled to give birth. . . . sheesh!) anyway. i'd ask him if he were married and if not keep him on the list. he's probably not handsome. that's my guess.

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