Such a Shame

Wink Musselman seduces our clothes off, heads for London

I don't wear my retainers anymore. I stopped when I was 16. I'm peeing right now. I hope you don't mind.

You're peeing? Are you doing it sitting down?

I am, actually!

Do I hear "Careless Whisper" in the background?

I'm a huge George Michael fan. It's not even George Michael; it's that sax solo. It's a lovemaking anthem.

What's the absolute worst song to make love to?

"Cherry Bomb."

Did Wink just burp?

I TOUCH MYSELVES, PART 2

Who's better-looking?

Wink. Oh, clearly. Well, I don't know. Wink would prey on Anson. We do that often.

Is that not masturbatory? I mean, maybe it's not.

Wait, let me get another cocktail.

Who's going to fit in better in England?

They'll both fit in fine. They'll make love to England, and England in turn will make love to them, and they'll both deserve it.

BOYS

Prince William or Prince Harry?

William, but William at age 16. Harry has that weird thing in his eyes, like a psychopath. There isn't the love there that Princess Diana imparted to her royal son. When I was 19 or 21, I used to talk about Prince William quite a bit.

Are you over that now?

I don't think so.

Who is Wink into now?

Wink is into . . . let's see. Hmm . . . Who is fabu? Justin Timberlake, I admit it. I want to violate him and treat him like the little bitch that he is. I think they're ['NSync] the most talented band right now—honestly, you have to sing, dance, put up with all that pooh-poohing from the intelligentsia. They're the Jackson 5 of Y2K1.

Y2K1? Is that what we're calling it now?

Wink is into guns, dude. He loves porn and guns, very much like Gary Coleman.

Did your life change for the better after you appeared on the cover of theWeekly [Best of OC, Oct. 20, 2000]?

Actually, my life took a turn for the shitter around that time, but it had nothing to do with the paper.

Is there anything you want to say to the people of this nation before you leave them?

Could we get a better president next time? It's so embarrassing to have to go to London and say I'm from a place where that guy's president.

Any suggestions?

I like Bill Weld from Massachusetts. He's a Republican, but he's a pro-choice and pro-gay-marriage liberal Republican. He should convert to Democrat. . . .

Are you Anson now?

Yeah, I think so. I think Wink left the building.

Wink Musselman's Quartet of Shame performs with Disco Stranger, Jesus Wore Dickies and Sonny Boy at DiPiazza's Restaurant and Lounge, 5205 E. Pacific Coast Hwy., Long Beach, (562) 498-2461. Fri., 8:30 p.m. $7. 21+.
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