Hey, God!

Illustration by Bob AulThanks for ruining my love life. I happen to believe that Your son was a longhaired, radical, socialist Jew, and so does the love of my life. Cool, right? Hell, no: she's from a denomination that forbids romantic relationships with members of other groups, including mine. It'd be one thing if she thought I was ugly. Or if we belonged to radically different religions. But she really loves me, and we both believe in everything Your religion is noted for: same authoritative, contradictory text; same prophets; same mistrust of outsiders; same repressed view of sexuality. You're supposed to be a benevolent deity who loves His children, yet You can't let two of us hook up even though we both believe in You?! Hey, God: the death of innocents I can forgive, but keeping people apart because they worship You in slightly different ways is totally unacceptable. Next time I fall in love, just stay the hell away.