Lost Wedding

The interesting sex stops here

These are the things I worry about, not the bit about being hitched for life to another individual. It'll be nice having someone around who can color coordinate.

Some of my old friends recently took me out on a bachelor party camping trip. Like our previous bachelor party outings, this involved none of the typical stripper or stag movie stuff. How does getting your wiener worked by some jaded professional fit in with the vows you're about to take? Instead, my friends and I take trips where there's the vow-impeding possibility of the groom being ripped asunder by some creature's ravening jaws, such as one tequila-fueled bachelor party where we went skinny-dipping 15 miles out in the shark-infested Catalina Channel at 3 a.m.

This time, we went to the sequoias, where there be bears. And marmots, which are actually more dangerous because they'll gnaw through your car's brake lines like they've seen too many Mannix episodes.

I lived, but should I have? Since I am by far the last of us to marry, my pals were full of sage wisdom about what I should expect. First, they said, the interesting sex stops. Then the sex stops entirely, with the energy thus conserved instead going into endless bickering. Not that they were complaining; they just felt I needed hints on developing the communication skills to deal with this.

Acting as if you're paying attention can be a big help, they said. Utter capitulation can work pretty well, too, but don't count on it. If a wife's got a full head of steam, she'll just get madder if you cave in before she's had a chance to vent fully. Don't expect logic or being right to win any points. Choose your battles because you won't win any of them. Suffer nobly, and someday you will enter Valhalla—after the Girl Scouts dump your body in the woods.

Is this the way of it, Dear Readers? Is that what my bride and I have to look forward to? Many of you have been down the aisle. Write in and let me know how marriage is working for you. That way I can run your letters in a column instead of having to write one on my honeymoon. I'll be getting paid for it, so it will be like your wedding gift to me—maybe the one that puts us over the top on the Big Board. Thanks!

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