By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
A federal judge ruled July 6 that authorities can destroy nine tons of squid and most of 13 tons of cocaine being preserved as evidence in a San Diego drug trial. The Coast Guard seized the drugs and mollusks aboard a Belize-flagged fishing boat in April. That pretty much sinks our plans for Cap'n Clockwork's Crack and Calamari Grotto.
BLACKOUT GOLD FaxNotice.com sent us—what else?—a fax on July 9 touting their new service: faxed "power alerts" that warn Southern California Edison customers of rolling blackouts before they begin. The cost is $25 for three alerts or $30 for a six-pack. FaxNotice.com is not affiliated with Edison, but they accept Visa, MasterCard, American Express and Discover. Question: Even if the fax is transmitted before the power goes out, how do we read the damn thing in the dark?
NIGHTMARE ON JESSE HELMS STREET Republicans are nearly three times as likely as Democrats to experience nightmares when they dream, according to findings released on July 9 at the 18th annual International Conference of the Association for the Study of Dreams in Santa Cruz. Hell, if we had to kiss Nancy Reagan, Phyllis Schlafly or Gloria Matta Tuchman goodnight, we'd have nightmares too.
TV PARTY Some time last week—we'll say July 11 because it works with this item—was the 20th anniversary of Henry Rollins taking the stage at the late, great, stinky Cuckoo's Nest in Costa Mesa to debut as the vocalist for seminal SoCal punk band Black Flag. How did he mark the occasion? By showing up on Fox TV's wacky Good Day L.A. to pimp Night Visions, the new horror anthology series he and his neck are hosting for—who else?—Fox TV. So much for I wouldn't be without my TV for a day/Or even a minute!/I don't bother to use my brain anymore/There's nothing left in it, eh, Henry?
GOING FOR BAROQUE Your intrepid Clockwork trekked to Disney's California Adventure on July 14 for the Electrical Parade Press Event Day. Normally we'd prefer getting Abner Louima'd to hearing the parade's monotonous "Baroque Hoedown," but we felt duty-bound to report on this important cultural milestone—and to slurp up free grub. Not to look a gift mouse in the mouth, we came away with a number of ways Disney Resorts/Anaheim chief Cynthia Harriss can improve her much-maligned "second gate" theme park. Guests who arrive in the morning and stick around until 8:45 p.m. for the Electrical Parade will experience mucho downtime. We did all the rides and attractions by 6 p.m.—many twice, at a leisurely pace, and after waiting in long lines. We suggest providing books—thick ones, with no pictures. And a crochet corner. And a place to balance your checkbook. Meanwhile, restrooms have areas for changing babies' diapers, but what they really need are adult changing areas. Your underwear gets drenched after you walk a theme park, and the resulting friction makes each step seem as if someone's rubbing sandpaper on your inner thighs. By nightfall, pus moguls render you as bowlegged as a $2 hooker. While we sacrificed our soggy shorts to the Mouse and freeballed it the rest of our visit, others might not be so daring. Why not open a concession stand where everyone can pay a couple more bucks for fresh drawers and talcum powder? The characters could toss them out during the late afternoon Disney's Eureka!—A California Parade.
TRIP THE LIGHT FANTASTIC Disney's Electrical Parade—A California Classic brought back such memories. Remember when they killed it the first time? Remember all those tickets they sold to the "absolute last Electrical Parade ever"? Remember all those used Electrical Parade bulbs they sold? In Disney's defense, they just said the Electrical Parade was never coming back to Disneyland; they didn't say anything about next door. We just hope someone's manning the fax machine when FaxNotice.com's rolling blackout alert arrives.