I.P. Freely

The Whizzinator liberates your urine!

It is indeed a weakened republic when the only thing standing between the Fourth Amendment and totalitarianism is a 31⁄2-inch prosthetic penis. You may be pleased to learn that the Whizzinator is an equal-opportunity appendage, available in white, tan, latino, brown or black. (You, of course, will want to check this out at www.thewhizzinator.com.)

They aren't just off-the-shelf schlongs, either.

"We have them made by a large sex-toy manufacturer in the Valley," Catalano says. "When we met with their head guy, we told him we needed something that realistically looked like a flaccid penis. He chuckled and said, 'Well, we deal in fantasy here.' But we got their designer to come up with something that looked very average. It had to be believable, comfortable to wear and easy to use, to pull out and put away." For women, they make the Whizzinator available "with the wiener on the side," detached so they can use the rest of the apparatus without the bulge.

He says they have an East Coast competitor whose "delivery system" is a yellow tube and whose "urine" is merely water, yellow food coloring and creatine. Meanwhile, the Whizzinator's powdered synthetic, at $12 per serving, was formulated by a chemist and extensively tested to fool the prevalent testing methods, he claims.

Since many testers check the temperature of your urine—your external body temperature of 92 degrees is low enough to flag you for a retest—the Whizzinator comes with a simple heat pack to bring your synthetic pee up to a piping 98 degrees.

Even so, the pair emphasizes that it takes practice to make a convincing use of it. Catalano says, "We spend a lot of time on the phone with customers. One fellow, a New York travel agent, was so nervous heading to his drug test that he had Jerry on his cell phone, walking him down the sidewalk and leading him through the door of the place."

What a lot of needless fear and bother.

"I'd hate to lose the income, but it would tickle me pink if this hysteria changed and we went out of business," Catalano says.

I won't hold my breath—or bladder—waiting for that saner day. But, should it arrive, can we allow such a bold product to perish? I say nay. Let the Whizzinator become a godsend to women who've envied the pleasures of peeing like a man, proudly misspelling his name in the snow. With the Whizzinator, those who have to pee real bad can now pee twice at once. Let the Whizzinator rescue the pee-shy: "Hadley, let's terminate Pixley. I think he may be pee-shy." "No, sir. I personally saw him pee 80 cc just yesterday. And damn if it wasn't warm."

All those purposes make so much more sense than the one it is used for now.

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