Little Big Man

Illustration by Bob AulThis whole hysterical, SUV, cell phone, get-out-of-my-way-can't-you-tell-I'm-a-rock-star nonsense has gotten so far out of hand that I hate to leave the house anymore. You're all a bunch of arrogant, insecure, trendy, shallow, brainless SHEEP. I had no idea there were so many people in our society who didn't get enough attention as children. SO SAD! And now I've found the biggest baby of all. YOU! Yeah, you in the dark green Suburban—or was it a Tahoe? Does it really matter? The one all jacked up to high heaven so you could look really important to lesser folk. Too bad it doesn't compensate for a penis the size of a double-A battery. But what sets you apart from all the other sheep is the searing political commentary you've pasted on the back window of your Dumbass Wagon. In between a pro-Bush/Cheney sticker and an anti-Clinton/Gore sticker, in huge—and I mean huge—white block letters, it says LIBERAL PEOPLE SUCK. Wow! What a political genius! What class! What subtlety! Perhaps your next vehicle should be a chrome-plated bulldozer with a sticker that says FUCK YOU. Very sophisticated. I'm sure all the ignorant, bigoted, pinheaded kids in your neighborhood think you're a really big man. And you know, Clinton/Gore is OVER now, so why don't you get over it? I can't wait for that idiot George W. to start screwing up in much bigger ways than Clinton ever did. I mean, Bill is a douchebag, but at least he has an IQ over 50. In the meantime, I hope gas goes up to $3 per gallon and your truck is rendered as useless as your penis. And isn't it amusing that you have the little black sunglasses, the earrings and the clichéd goatee? I guess it's okay to look like a liberal, as long as you don't care about anyone but yourself. Burn in hell, asshole!