Tool

"That's all me," he said. "Having to do with homosexuals, that's all me."

Which begs the question: How does Sheldon get so much information on so many different sexual practices, all of them apparently abhorrent to him?

"It's in their homosexual papers and magazines—The Blade, The Advocate," he said. "You can find anything you want—all you have to do is look in their want ads. If you want a blowjob, they have ads for blowjobs right there."

And how does one get these magazines and papers? Are they free?

"I don't know," he said. "ANDREA! Do we pay for our homosexual magazines?"

Sheldon has heard the intimations about his sexuality before. "You should do a longer story about the homosexuals and me," he says. "They're always after me." He says he feels sorry for "a guy who can't lay with a woman" and points out that in junior high, "[I] could hardly take my hands off [girls]."

Of course, none of that is likely to sway suspicious critics. After all, the only thing men exaggerate more about than their female conquests are their athletic ones.

"If you ever want to hear about me and the homosexuals, I could fill your ear," said Sheldon, who played halfback on a Washington, D.C., high school football team that went to the championship but lost because "the team all got half-drunk the night before."

The little monkeys!