By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Illustration by Bob AulCompact mirrors being given away to promote the drug-dealer biopic Blow are raising a stink, and some of that stink is getting on OC Weekly. Palm-sized mirrors in rubber sleeves with the Blow logo on them were handed out at the Weekly's March 29 screening of the Johnny Depp vehicle at the Block at Orange. Many interviewed in an April 6 Orange County Register story found the souvenirs in bad taste, with some characterizing the mirrors as "drug paraphernalia." Come now: Did you see them? They're soooo dinky. It'd take a helluva lot of tiny lines on a mirror that size to get us off. Or so we've heard. . . . from those, uh, coke-user people. Ah, hell! Guess we'd better scrap those upcoming straw, rolled-up $20 bill and razor-blade giveaways.
BURNING SENSATION The Earth Liberation Front received an anonymous communiqué from someone claiming to be responsible for the torching of sports-utility vehicles (SUVs) at a Eugene, Oregon, Chevrolet dealership in June 2000 and again on March 30. The latest eco-vandalism left 30 SUVs damaged or destroyed, with an estimated loss of $700,000 to $1 million. "We can no longer allow the rich to parade around in their armored existence, leaving a wasteland behind in their tracks," stated the unsigned fax. Like Nike, Windows and Starbucks, it's only a matter of time before this shit spreads south.
DARRRRR-RRRRRYL A quick look at Darryl Strawberry's stats . . . Number of times arrested for hitting women: 3. Named in paternity suits: at least 1. Arrested for possession of an abused substance: at least 2. Tested positive for cocaine: at least 3. Entered rehab: at least 4. Arrested for coke possession a month after being named spokesman for the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence: 1. Charged by the IRS for tax evasion: 2. Suspended by Major League Baseball: 3 times in five years. Charged with failing to make child-support payments: 2. Diagnosed with cancer: 2 or 3. Charged with soliciting a prostitute: at least 1. Told judge he's lost will to live: 1. Strawberry was arrested on April 2 after a four-day disappearance from a drug-treatment center that had him under house arrest. He has officially slid so low that he's prime Anaheim Angels material. Think the Yankees would take that deadbeat Darin Erstad for the Strawman?
YAY! WE GET TO DRINK OUR OWN POOP! Orange County water and wastewater officials on April 4 approved a plan to clean sewage, pump it underground and draw it up later so we can guzzle it down—then we expel it, have it cleaned up again, pumped back underground, and, well, you get the idea. "The Groundwater Replenishment System," boasts a water wag in their dripping-wet press statement, "provides us with the water diversity we will need should any one of our current sources be reduced." And anyone who pooh-poohs water diversity? Racist!
SHUT YO' MOUTH Criminal charges won't be filed against a Tustin substitute teacher who was accused of taping a first grader's mouth shut, the district attorney's office announced on April 5. There were conflicting accounts of the March 16 incident, with the teacher claiming he didn't put tape over the girl's mouth, but merely showed her the dispenser as a warning. Whether he did or didn't tape, it could have been much worse: Reuters news service reported on April 3 that a stepmom in Vietnam severely beat a 10-year-old boy, gave him a needle and thread, and forced him to sew his own mouth shut. His crime? Stealing 200 dong (1.3 cents). That won't even buy you a cup of fecal-flavored water in this country.