By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Photo by Jack GouldTrojan Brand Latex Condoms sent Clockwork word on April 9 that it's coming out next month with willie wrappers to accommodate one-pump chumps and dudes swinging Louisville Sluggers between their legs. While we couldn't be happier about this revolutionary product development, it did make us wonder what kind of courage it'll take for a guy to plop a packet of the climax-controlling Trojan Extended Pleasure condoms on the drugstore counter. And how many horn dogs do you suppose will "accidentally" drop Trojan Magnum XL Extra Large packets out of their wallets and onto local dance-club floors? "Oh, look, my Trojan Magnum XL Extra Large condom accidentally fell out of my wallet. Silly me! Say, babe, what's your sign?" Trojan Magnum XL Extra Large: Could they possibly have packed any more big-dick descriptions into that name? Actually, the long-dong market is, ahem, shrinking, according to Trojan competitor Lifestyles Condom Co. The average penis size, Lifestyles reports, is 5.877 inches—much smaller than the 6.2 to 6.4 inches cited in the groundbreaking Kinsey Sex Report of the 1940s. So that's how Bogey got the chicks! In case anyone needs a visual aid, Lifestyles notes 5.877 inches equals a Starbucks Grande coffee cup or an unwrapped Butterfinger candy bar. We assume a wrapped Butterfinger equals the length of the average uncircumcised schlong.
WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE On April 12, Orange County district attorney's office stormtroopers seized computer equipment and a buttload of documents related to the ongoing conflict-of-interest investigation of Huntington Beach City Councilman Dave Garofalo. Ironically, Garofalo was ushered into the mayor's office in 1999 with District Attorney Tony Rackauckas at his side. Newport Beach businessman Patrick Di Carlo, who the DA's office has investigated for alleged mob ties, is another FOT (Friend of Tony). Jeez, Mr. DA, why not simply give your investigators a list of all your friends?
FEAR AND DISTORTING IN AMERICA Mike Males has written extensively in the Weekly about the media's preoccupation with youth crime despite statistics that show it dropping. He's even authored—shameless plug alert!—a new book about the subject, Kids & Guns: How Politicians, Experts and the Press Fabricate Fear of Youth, which you can download. Males' findings are amplified in a report released on April 10 by Building Blocks for Youth, a Washington, D.C.-based advocacy group. The study found that newspapers, radio and television stations vastly overreport crimes committed by young people, particularly minorities. And according to data spanning the past 90 years, youth crime is actually at its lowest ebb in a generation, the group reports. So there!
BUT CAN THEY DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIS HUMP? You know things are tough all over when the National Weather Service cans Igor, the robotic voice that has provided climate information on Weather Radio for years. A Weather Service official justified the action in an April 10 published report, in which he complained Igor "just lulls you to sleep." Igor's replacement? Ben Stein.
BLOWING SMOKE The Transportation Corridor Agencies (TCA), which builds Orange County toll roads, discounts their impact on the environment, promises they'll make gobs of money and then chronically inflates ridership figures, issued a report on April 12 that says freeway traffic now moves better, but the toll roads are overcrowded. You don't suppose the timing of this shit has anything to do with the TCA's desire to build more toll roads while recent polls show traffic is the No. 1 concern among OC residents, do you? But here's a doozy in the TCA study that caused us to upchuck our chalupa: we'd all be breathing 4,000 more tons of pollutants per year were it not for the toll roads. Nice! But how do those crappy toll-road storm-drain filters and thousands of gallons of toxic runoff figure into your overall pollution index?