Clockwork pulled an envelope out of our mailbox on March 30 that said we'd won a free children's book. But when we tore it open, there was no book inside—just a letter from Dr. Edward E. Philpot, the "principal clinical research physician-allergy" of North American Medical Affairs. According to Philpot, we should march right down to our doctor's office and demand that our kids be prescribed Flonase, which is only "the No. 1 prescribed brand of nasal allergy spray." With Flonase, kids "can go through the day, indoors and outdoors, without constantly sneezing and blowing his or her nose." Sure, they may suffer through such "mild side effects" as headaches, nosebleeds and sore throats, but they won't be sneezing and blowing their noses! And to help get the kids psyched for Flonase, they'll send the free book, Go Blow Your Nose, Robert! We can't wait to read the title of the children's book that comes with suppositories.
SUED, SCREWED & TATTOOED Orange County Citizens Against Lawsuit Abuse marked April Fool's Day by "highlighting a few of the most outrageous events in litigation so far this year." There was the Pennsylvania man who sued a clothing manufacturer because his jacket's elastic-cord lock hit his eye. There was the Illinois woman who sued McDonald's, Wal-Mart, a cup-holder maker and her mother because her ankle was burned after hot coffee from McDonald's spilled out of a cup holder in her mother's car. And there was the Utah elementary school teacher who sued a parent for allegedly shaking her hand too hard at a parent-teacher conference. Yep, them's silly. But groups like Citizens Against Lawsuit Abuse would solve this court clogging by restricting all suits and damage awards, no matter how just. How about the Toronto family who sued McDonald's last week because their nine-year-old daughter was served a burger containing a severed rat's head? What's the predesignated price tag for that? And what's fair compensation for the lives of Miami-Dade County, Florida, children who live near two nuclear-power plants? A report released on March 27 shows their baby teeth contain higher-than-usual levels of a cancer-causing radioactive element. Oh, the frivolity!
THE FIGHTIN' SODOMITES Uh-oh: someone let the Reverend Lou Sheldon near a keyboard again. On March 27, the chairman of the Anaheim-based hate group the Traditional Values Coalition sent us his latest blathering: "President Bush Must Restore Ban on Gays in Military." Why? Because they'll spread AIDS to the rest of the troops! He pointed to "numerous studies" that show gays have sex with as many as 1,000 different partners over a lifetime. While we tried to figure out whether that 1,000 equals a division or a battalion, Sheldon continued, "The more partners they have, the more likely they are to spread a variety of venereal diseases—thus impacting military readiness." Yeah, because two things our pre-"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" military always avoided was multiple sex partners and venereal diseases.
MUSICA CHAIRS Here's an update on the LA Times killing of Agustin Gurza's excellent twice-weekly column on the Latino community: he's been reassigned to the Times Calendar section to become the new Latino arts and culture critic. Are immigrant-bashers dancing in the streets? Nope. They marked the job change by leaving Gurza hate messages. We may be partly to blame. American Patrol, a group that trolls the border for brown folk, linked our story ("Goodbye Gurza," March 30) on their website (www.americanpatrol.com). Their headline for the link: "Mexican Reconquista Bites the Dust." The same group recently called two Weekly writers "assholes," our editor a "traitor" and our readers "sexual perverts." Can you feel the love?