By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Illustration by Bob AulRonald McDonald was lynched in Billings, Montana, on March 7. The 5-foot, solid-PVC clown in the bright-yellow jump suit and big red boots was taken from the porch of the local Ronald McDonald House, where a three-year-old who'd gone in for a hearing test noticed him missing. The molded burger icon was found swinging from a tree in a nearby park, and his tormenters had used black ink to mark him up with vulgar anatomical references, "Burger King rules" and "Free at last, free at last, thanks hoodlums all mighty, I'm free at last." No arrests were made at press time, but Officer Big Mac was investigating.
GENERATION XXX On March 5, hoping to finish showing a dinosaur video her third graders had started watching the previous Friday, a teacher at a Kenosha, Wisconsin, elementary school pushed the play button on the classroom VCR. However, what flashed on the screen was not a T-rex but rather hardcore-porn action. It seems the weekend janitor had mistakenly left his smut in the machine. "The kids let out an 'ooh' sound" when they witnessed the pornographic images, reported the teacher. We figure when he watches, the janitor also lets out an "ooh"—followed by "baby."
UP A CREEK WITHOUT A PLUNGER Remember the fun we had as kids in neighborhood creeks? Skipping rocks, racing twig boats, baptizing winos. Ah, those were the days. But escalating sprawl, sewage spills and toxic runoff have turned our creeks into poop chutes for flushing pollution into the ocean. The San Diego Regional Water Quality Control Board, which regulates South County waterways, essentially told six cities along the banks of Aliso Creek that the time has come to roll back the clock. The county; the county flood-control district; and the cities of Laguna Beach, Laguna Hills, Laguna Niguel, Laguna Woods, Lake Forest and Mission Viejo were ordered on March 7 to find the sources of the pollution and stop them from entering the bacteria-infested creek, which must be rendered safe enough for people to swim in without getting sick. It's refreshing that at least one government agency recognizes that creeks—and the beaches they feed—were not created to be toilets.
BOOB JOB Clockwork flipped on an MSNBC morning business program on March 7 in time to hear a reporter spout the steps his "sources" say must be accomplished to solve California's "energy crisis." Among them: returning the San Onofre nuclear-power station to full operating status. Never mind that the chi-chis muy gigantesare old, their nuclear waste has no home and their cooling system wreaks havoc on marine life. Damn it, we want to watch the 24-hour cable Bootlicker Channel while running all the electric fans in the house and zapping Hot Pockets in the microwave!
TROJAN HORSE You may recall from a couple of months ago that South Orange County Community College District's board of trustees forbid students from traveling to Cuba lest they fall under the spell of a cigar-chomping communist dictator. Well, guess what? Fifty MBA students from USC's Marshall School of Business are in Havana through March 18 studying "business practices and strategies employed for foreign investment" (code for being indoctrinated into the godless, commie lifestyle). If you think South County's overlords overreacted, open your freakin' eyes, Ivan! The red menace is all around us. Marxist-Leninists identify themselves with USC license-plate frames on the back of their Mercedes-Benzes (made, as everyone knows, by raging socialists). The Bolsheviks keep to themselves in insulated conclaves like radical, Left-leaning Newport Beach. And what color do they Trotsky out on USC game days? Red, red, red! It's like a May Day parade! Thank God the South Orange County Community College District board of trustees is here to protect us.