By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
[Editor's note: So many people to thank—Katherine Harris ("Wouldja?"), Strom Thurmond (". . . answer to the question, 'Does God really give a flying flip?'"), Florida (". . . where Satan would vacation if he could stand the humidity"). But there was one who towered above all: Stupid George W. Bush. Or, as he is now to be referred to, President Stupid. From the regular season's start—"Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, lunch, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, complain about the Mexicans, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill" —to its finale—"Woo! He's an idiot! Woo! He thinks Frankenstein is a country!"—Stupid McStupid was always there for us. In recognition, we've invited him to be our guest Super Bowl prognosticator, following in the oddly similar footsteps of Osama bin Laden. Please stand and dispose of all sharp objects.]
Baltimore update: Thank you, Mr. . . . Mr. . . . political . . . guy. It is clear that the city of Baltimore has a rich history. Never misunderestimate that. It is a history rich that resignates with . . . history, much of it of a historical resignating type. It is clear that a city so rich in historical history resignation must stand as all time as a historical city . . . rich . . . resignating . . . I like eggs.
New York update: Clearly, the Jewish people are a great people. I am a Jewish people. When dealing with New York, or any foreign or international country for that matter, it is important to ask the important questions that they have been questioning. Never miscalculate that. I know I haven't. Which is why I've always dealt with New York with an even, foreign-handed policy. Clearly.
Tampa update: It is clear that football will be played in Tampa during the Super Bowl. I am a football. Because I believe children are our future. I believe. But not our children's children because children should not be having sex. Which is why I'm hopefuller that we can raise the age at which juveniles can have sex. I believe. Oh, wait, we're talking about Florida? Never mind.
Consensus: Dick Cheney has told me that football games are decided by who has the most points. Jeb told me that Katherine Harris told him that that will be the Giants. So let me be the first to congratulate the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens! Hey, I like Presidentin'! And eggs.