By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Photo by Jack GouldJan. 21
Still getting' over the inaugural bash. Why couldn't we get Fleetwood Mac? Ricky Martin's good for what pappy calls "that outreach thing"—probly shudda put him in the cabnit—but that yi yi yi stuff gets hard on the ears. An whasisname my press secretary is already getting questions asking about if Clinton's message was "don't stop thinking about tomorrow," is our message sposed t' be "livin' the crazy life" then? Sounds catchy t' me, but Cheney sez no.
We've got the run of the place now, and the Clintons were sure messy housekeepers. It looks like Sanford & Son in here. There's piles of Hillary's billing records and Bill's Kenny G records all over the place. He cudda left some Arrowhead. Arrownautics? Arrowsmack? Whomever.
I'd like to turn this Dictaphone off now, but Mr. Outtahere Bill Clinton was so busy thanking hisself on his farewell tour that he couldn't be bothered leaving instructions for me, I guess. Well, let's try this button; it should either turn it off or blow up the planet.
Brrrr! If I knew Washinton was this cold I'da run for presdent of Florida instead! So much for joggin' outside for most of my two-hour lunch like I usta at home. I'm stayin' inside, an' there's nuthin' fer me ta do! I try puttin' in a solid two hours before lunch an' another two after, but how many pencils can I sharpen? Cheney sez not t' worry, that I already got Reagan's routine beat, but dammit, I'm bored. There ain't even hardly any death row appeals for me to browse through.
Mebbe I'll go online for a while. Dang, this thing's still set up for Clinton. An Anna Kournikova Chat Room? Is she with the State Department? Les just see what this govment of mine's up to.AnnaFan42: How old R U? JakeO: Looking for pantyphotos. Anyone have Anna pantyphotos? TennisGrl: I'm 17 Dubya: How dya like your new presdent, George Bush? Johnny2bad: I've got panties. Not photos, panties. JakeO:Prove it. Johnny2bad: I'm smelling the proof. TennisGrl: Any of U scuz old clownz even play tennis? Bod: RU HOT? ;) Dubya: The New presdent, George Bush, heard of 'im? Johnny2bad: George Bush will save America. Dubya: Ashcroft, that you? Johnny2bad: Yessir. Dubya: Who're these other people? They work for us? Johnny2bad: I don't know, sir. I was just online checking out some new smut-blocking technology. ImpEacHeD1: I'm hot. Are you hot?
Maybe if I go running with the Secret Service guys in real snug to me, it won't be so cold out.
The Orange County contingent was by this afternoon. Cox's still doing that bashful thing, like I'm gonna ask him to dance or give him an ambassadorship just for looking like he's not expecting it. If he'd just come out and ask me, I'd tell him that this is one Bush that don't need any Cox in the hand. Wuzzat the saying, or did I just make up a new one?
Dana Rickenbacker or whomever wants more money for anti-asteroid defense. He rubbed me the wrong way just the way he came in and said, "Call me Dana." Call me Dana? I'll call you the Vietnamese Trini Lopez if I want to. I'm the Presdent. I tell them any asteroid that comes by, I'll just make Cox ambassador of it. Why do I always think up these things after everybody's gone?
Cheney's been joking that with our arrest records, we coulda started a band called the Rolling Blackouts. California has been dark for nearly a month now. Let 'em stew in it for a while, Cheney sez, they didn't vote for us. See if they buy electric cars now. Condoleeza tells me her "blind trust" invested big in candle futures.
I caught Ashcroft using my nose hair trimmer again. "John, you stop that this minute!" I said, but he just kept on. "If you think I'm gonna roll back Roe vs. Wade with one of my nostrils sprouting and one not, you're nuts," he said and walked out. I tried to get Cheney to talk to him, but he said he was busy "raining death on Columbian druglords, among others." What, and I'm not? The Washington Post said my gaze looked "steely" in my speech the other night, my resolve "flinty." I'm the show here. Cheney sez he knows Dan Quayle, and I'm no Dan Quayle. I tell him that's funnier than most heart attacks, but maybe not his.
Pappy is insisting I pronounce "Saddam" the way he did, even though nobody else did. It's a consistency thing, he says. He showed me a funny thing I can do with the Oval Office blinds. If I blink them open and closed just right, it's Morse Code for SOS. Most people on the street don't notice, but he says it puts old Navy vets frantic, thinking the Presdent's trying to get a secret message to them.
The newspapers finally announced the Florida recount. Well, I guess that's it: the only honorable thing to do is resign and apologize to the nation. Yup, and then I'll ask Laura to run for Senate, get a Mohawk and go screw Ricky Martin blind while I'm at it. See, I told you I was livin' la vida loca.