By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
COLD-BLOODED Fullerton attorney Linda K. Ross on April 22 filed a libel lawsuit against a yellow-pages directory company that allegedly listed her under "Reptiles." Ross, who is seeking $100,000 in damages, reportedly claims the error in at least one GTE Directories Sales Corp. book has held her up to ridicule from newspapers, The Tonight Show's Jay Leno, and pranksters prone to making "hissing sounds" when she walks by. Linda, why are you being so thin- (and scaly-) skinned about this? At least you weren't listed under "Sharks."
DEAD MAN HAWKING Phillip Guyett Jr., who formerly headed the willed bodies program at Western University of Health Sciences in Pomona, pleaded guilty to embezzlement on April 26 in connection with the theft of a donated cadaver. In October 1999, Guyett was accused of selling a donated university stiff to Orange Coast College in Costa Mesa for $1,100 and pocketing the money. That surely propels Guyett past Christopher S. Brown on the Creep-O-Meter. Brown, the ex-director of the UC Irvine medical school's willed bodies program, was only investigated for selling seven spines.
SILICONE VALLEY Congresswoman and Democratic National Committee co-chairwoman Loretta Sanchez (D-Garden Grove) will throw a bash at the Playboy Mansion to coincide with August's Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles, according to an "Inside the Beltway" nugget in the May 3 Washington Times. Sanchez, who will forever be Orange County's Miss November for taking the congressional seat from Robert "B-1 Belch" Dornan in 1996, will host the spread with her friend, Playboy heiress Christie Hefner. Clockwork can't help but wonder if this is a friendship of convenience, considering that one of Dornan's crusades during his 18 years in the House was trying to ban the sale of Playboy magazines at military bases. Meanwhile, the thought of this Playboy blowout conjures up a sight we can't shake no matter how many shots of sour mash we inhale: Bubba and Ted Kennedy, blubber pouring out of their too-tight Speedos, blindly groping anything that moves in the whirlpool.
STRAWBERRY FIELD NOT FOREVER With eight months to go before the scheduled opening of California Adventure, city officials disclosed on May 16 that the Walt Disney Co. is getting serious about building a third Anaheim theme park in a strawberry farm just a mouse-eared balloon's flight from Disneyland. "The fact that they're talking to city staff is significant," Anaheim Mayor Tom Daly told the Register. "I think the subject is warm now, and it's starting to heat up." Days earlier, Disney announced California Adventure—which will include a re-created beach carnival, Hollywood back lot and "natural resources" (we're guessing that means smog, silicone deposits, manicured lawn clippings, etc.) —will open Feb. 8, 2001. In case the Mouseketeers have yet to have imagineered a theme for the third park, might we suggest California Misadventure, which would mimic such Golden State disasters as earthquakes, prison riots and anything spat out of the mouth of Huntington Beach-based immigrant-hater Barbara Coe. And a one and a two: It's a white world after all/ It's a white world after all . . .
THE DICK CLUB About 200 members of Richard Nixon's tight-knit circle celebrated their 25th-annual private dinner together on May 17, according to Moonies handi-wipe the Washington Times. The location of the Richard Nixon Alumni Group gathering was not disclosed, although some press was reportedly invited (exsqueeze me? Where was our invite?). We're told the main speaker was former Senate majority leader Robert Dole, who likely culled material from his snot- and-tears-soaked eulogy at Dick's 1994 funeral rather than this famous quip, which he made when presidents Jimmy Carter, Jerry Ford and Nixon stood by one another at a White House event: "There they are: see no evil, hear no evil and . . . evil."
TAKE MY TOLL ROAD—PLEASE! Orange County Transportation Authority members agreed on May 22 that state lawmakers should buy the county's toll roads—which generate more controversy than traffic—and make them freeways. However, the state apparently has more pressing transportation needs than bailing out OC's horribly failed toll roads. Perhaps we could sweeten the deal by throwing in other regional disasters like El Toro International Airport. Or the Santa Ana River. Or TBN headquarters. Or the Santa Ana Zoo. Or Dana Point beaches. Or . . .
STUCK IN THE MITTERMEIER WITH YOU Who do you suppose lusts more after County Executive Officer Jan Mittermeier: The headline writers at The Orange County Register or their counterparts at the Times Orange County edition? You've got to wonder what kind of nasty thoughts conjured up this headline in the May 23 Reg: "Supervisors Act to Strip CEO of El Toro Powers." With the Reggie having successfully turned the most powerful woman in county government into a dancer at Captain Creem's, the Times came back two days later with "Mittermeier Gets It From Both Sides."
REEL BIG FISH Rick Reiff's "The Insider" column in the June 5 Orange County Business Journal broke the news about the Newport Beach-based Edwards Theaters chain seeking a major investor amid overbuilding woes and the need for more cash to complete its apparently too-ambitious expansion. We've got an infallible business strategy we'd like to run by Edwards should they lure a prospective deep-pocketed partner. Stick the mark in one of your countless dark dank-a-plexes to see a filmed version of your proposal on the postage-stamp-sized screen. But start by subjecting the sucker to a continuous loop of cards showing lame movie trivia and ads for window-tinting companies. Next, run an amazing short film on the intricacies of filmmaking that comes courtesy of the Los Angeles Times. While he's trying to figure out why it is he's never read such an amazing story on the intricacies of filmmaking in the Los Angeles Times, blast his ears out with obnoxious movie trailers that are so loud (in DIGITAL DTS SOUND!?#!!) that the walls shake. By then he'll want to bolt so bad he'll sign whatever you want without even seeing the actual proposal—which will play simultaneously in every Edwards theater in Orange County.