By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Dallas update: Woo! He won! Yeah! He won! Woo! He's an idiot! Woo! He thinks Frankenstein is a country! Woo! He believes Greece was better as a play! Yeeeah! He's pro-life and yet ordered more deaths than Charles Manson, Hillary Clinton and Count Dracula (first ruler of Frankenstein) combined! Yeeesss! He's against affirmative action and got into Yale with a C average because his daddy went there! Awright! His dad was president, and we liked him so much we threw him out for some guy we knew was a drug-addled draft dodger who'd nail anything in a Loretta Lynn wig! Woo-hoo! We totally rule!
Tennessee update: Rest easy, Al. This was one election you wanted to lose. The coming recession; the gridlocked Congress; the growing tensions with Iraq, Frankenstein and Mothra. Rest assured, in 2002, the Democrats will take back Congress and in 2004, the White House; and then it's free drugs and mandatory abortions for everyone!
Dallas Deux: The only other father-son presidents—if you discount the Calvin Coolidge-Ronald Reagan love child rumor—is that of John Adams and John Quincy Adams. The similarities between Q. Adams and W. Bush are amazing. Each is the son of an unpopular one-term president. Each failed to receive a majority of votes and won through the machinations of the Electoral College. Each had Katherine Harris as a key member of his election team. John Quincy Adams was secretary of state. Bush owned the Texas Rangers. Adams was a brilliant diplomat, responsible for the Transcontinental Treaty and the Monroe Doctrine. Bush can order tacos in Spanish. Adams argued against slavery before the Supreme Court. Bush executed a retarded guy. Eerie.
Consensus: The winner? This election was a choice between the lesser of two Jethros. One from Texas, the other from Tennessee, each running to take the place of a guy from Arkansas. After 140 years, the South finally won the Civil War. And you thought the Viet Cong were patient. . . . What? . . . Tennessee! Now leave me the hell alone.