By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Illustration by Bob AulWashington update: Redskins. Nice. What, Filthy Stinkin' Guinea Wop Bastards wouldn't fit on the team stationery?
Pittsburgh update: Sure, you know Pittsburgh as a dying city, but you may not be aware of the city's rich cultural past and present. Yes, the city that produced Andy Warhol has given the world another groundbreaking artist: Christina Aguilera. You may not be familiar with Aguilera's controversial work, but many of today's critics are certainly taking notice. Though Aguilera has many admirers, her detractors, judging from websites, seem to fall into two major camps. One, the "Slutina Fagulera" school, takes Aguilera to task for being "a skanky, nasty, dirty, arrogant piece of trash"—and not in the good way. While the competing "Slutina Crapulera" salon believes Aguilera "is the biggest, horniest, fakest slut I have ever seen! She is short and skinny and copies everyone! She loves to do porn and pose with her armpits." Serious words. Then again, the same charges were leveled at Henri Bergson, especially the bit about the armpits.
Head games: Things are hopping just to the south of D.C. in Virginia, where a woman was shocked to find a severed, deep-fried chicken head in her order of McDonald's Chicken McNuggets. McDonald's corporate officials were outraged and said to be investigating how it happened that something actually containing chicken got into their McNuggets.
Consensus: In this game, many factors must be considered. Racism, skankism and, perhaps most critically, how this one time my friend went to McDonald's and ordered a Shamrock shake? And he drank the whole thing really quick? Because he was really thirsty—hot, he was hot? Anyway, he drank the whole thing? Like in one slurp and then, when he looked in the bottom of the cup, there was a human finger. No! I mean, Christina Aguilera's armpit hair. No, really. And then the cops killed him. Well, it wasn't my friend. Actually, it was my cousin. Well, a friend of my cousin's. The game? "Redskin" is obsolete and offensive. "Steeler" is just obsolete. Go, Steelers!