White Dopes on Rap

The numbers behind the Nov. 21 Limp Bizkit/Eminem show

Photo by Jack GouldNumber of surly young white males spotted in Fred Durst drag (backward red Yankees ballcap) on the walk from the car to the Arrowhead Pond's ticket window: 12

Number of oughta-know-better adult couples with 6-year-old children in tow seen entering the Pond: 1

Number of particular acts, posted on disclaimer posters throughout the Pond's lobby, that patrons were advised to "please refrain from" during he show: 4 (public indecency, public exposure, violence and nonconsensual contact)

Number of similar disclaimers posted during Bruce Springsteen's Pond concerts in May: 0

Cost of cheap-looking, red Limp Bizkit stocking caps on sale at souvenir stands: $25

Cost of the most expensive souvenir, a black-and-red team jersey with "Eminem" on the front and "Slim Shady" on the back: $100

Cost of the cheapest non-sticker souvenir, an aluminum dog tag emblazoned with "Eminem": $10

Number of hip-hop acts who opened the show named Xzibit: 1

Number of good, non-formulaic, memorable, lasting hip-hop acts who opened the show named Xzibit: 0

Number of songs into Papa Roach's set before lead singer Coby Dick first said, "fuck": 1

Number of requests made by Coby Dick for "any motherfucker sitting on your ass" to "get the fuck up outta your seats 'cuz this is a rock show!" before any crowd movement was detected: 2

Estimated percentage of crowd still seated after his pleas: 40

Among all four acts on bill, estimated total number of times they collectively referred to the Pond crowd as "motherfuckers": 20

Estimated percentage of audience who would actually like to engage in intercourse with their mothers: .025

Number of insect-

extermination companies whose advertisements were plainly—perhaps fittingly—visible in the arena during Papa Roach's set: 1

Number of songs into Eminem's set before he first said, "fuck": 1

Number of fellatio requests made by Eminem during first song: 2 ("If you don't like this, you can suck my dick!"; "You can suck my dick if you don't like my shit!")

Number of Eminem's Cher-like costume changes made during his set: 2

Number of 'N Sync-like dance numbers performed during Eminem's set: 2

Number of inflatable, exaggerated penises waved around by members of Eminem's crew: 1

Number of simulated anal-sex acts with stuffed animals committed by members of Eminem's crew: 1

Conservative estimate of Eminem's net worth: $2 million

Estimated cost of decent mental therapist: $120 per session

Estimated percentage loss of Eminem's net worth if he ever goes and makes a "happy" album: 95

Minutes devoted to commercials for video-game systems between Eminem and Limp Bizkit sets: 20

Number of songs into Limp Bizkit's set before singer Fred Durst first said, "fuck": 1

Seconds it took for Durst to sing a snippet of "Who Let the Dogs Out?", only to excuse it by saying, "That's gotta be one of the worst songs in the world!": 10

Number of Limp Bizkit songs that are even worse than "Who Let the Dogs Out?": 40

Years of significant Billboard-chart presence/ MTV visibility by Limp Bizkit intellectual compatriots Poison: 4 (1987-1991)

Years of significant Billboard-chart presence/ MTV visibility remaining for Limp Bizkit before masses similarly lose interest/find jobs/kick pot/get lives: 2

Liberal estimate of "kiss-my-ass, suck-my-dick" references made by all four acts throughout the course of the evening: 2,700,000

Combined total number of requests made by Fred Durst and Eminem for the audience to light their cigarette lighters and raise them aloft over their heads: 2

Conservative estimate of total number of loud, bombastic explosions/ flash pots/fireworks/fires set off throughout evening: 60

Ratio of pyrotechnic size to size of one's genitalia, using formula obtained from the OC Weekly DataLab: 100:1

Number of rock-critic colleagues spotted leaving show early out of fear that bad taste may be contagious: 2

 
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