By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Carolina update: North Carolina has Jesse Helms, the best man at Satan's wedding, and South Carolina is home to the real-life Monty Burns, Strom Thurmond, the answer to the question, "Does God really give a flying flip?" Thurmond is 98. He filibustered against civil rights and, as president pro tempore of the Senate, is third in line of succession for the presidency, which I'm sure is what the Founding Fathers had in mind:
Jefferson: Well, here it is—the Constitution.
Franklin: Did you put that thing in about Evil Incarnate never being more than three steps away from the executive office?
Jefferson: Got it.
Madison: And did you remember the part about it being okay for the president to get a BJ and lie about it?
Green Bay update: When planning your next crime spree, may we suggest Wisconsin? Just look at the advantages: a state that was home to Jeffrey Dahmer—'nuff said. A state whose biggest hero is former pill-popper and current Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre —'nuff said. A state with villages such as Stoddard, which recently voted to abolish the local, four-member, police department because residents were sick and tired of its Nazi tactics of handing out speeding tickets and arresting people for breaking the law. And even if you are arrested in Wisconsin, you can still look forward to travel: Wisconsin has sent more than 4,300 inmates on all-expense paid trips —at a taxpayer cost of $42 per day —to private prisons in such exotic locals as Minnesota, Oklahoma and Mississippi. Yes, there is some concern that the prison company, Corrections Corp. of America, may go bust, but you know whatever happens, it'll be good for you and your lawless minions. I mean, the state went for Al Gore—'nuff said.
Old school: Thurmond graduated from Clemson in 1923—the standard to graduate from a South Carolina college being the ability to hoot for no apparent reason. Things that weren't around then: talkies, Calvin Coolidge's second term, liquid-fuel rockets and Martin Luther King Jr.
Consensus: Is it just a coincidence that little more than a year after Thurmond left college, Mein Kampf was published? We'll root for Green Bay. The day I root for Carolina will be a cold day in hell. Bundle up, Strom.