By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
NEW YORK UPDATE: These teams met just weeks ago in a divisional showdown that saw the Jets overcome a 23-point deficit to win 40-37 in overtime . . . or so they thought. It turns out that several touchdowns were mistakenly credited to the Jets by the game's elderly scoreboard operator, who mistook the points button for a channel selector, which he repeatedly pushed in a fruitless search for Matlock. The NFL moved quickly to remedy the situation: after making the proper adjustments, the league announced that Pat Buchanan now holds a two-game lead in the AFC East.
MIAMI UPDATE: What's been going on in Florida? Pretty much the usual—police detective arrested for protecting a drug pusher, guy seen wrestling a 15-foot python on a state highway, and the Republic brought to its collective knees by state-election officials trained in Swaziland. People everywhere have decried the events in Florida, with one Turkish newspaper calling things "strange," a British commentator saying it was "a mockery," a Mexican publication deeming it "madness," and Floridians labeling it "Tuesday." Something like this hasn't happened in Florida since, oh, 1998. Rest easy, America. If you're going to have a crooked election, it's best to leave it to the professionals.
NEW YORK STATE OF MIND: Like papers across the country, the New York Post was consumed by the election brouhaha, reporting two days later that Madonna "has a maternal concern for Britney [Spears]." Financial markets are reacting "cautiously" to the news.
MIAMI VICE: And so the future of American democracy depends on Florida. Let's repeat that, shall we? The future of this Republic—and the world—depends on Florida. Oh, for the salad days when everything turned on the Middle East. Basing the future of your political system on Florida is like placing the future of your health care with Darryl Strawberry, who, by the way, is in jail in Florida. Woo-hoo! Is there a stronger phrase than vortex of evil? Florida is where Satan would vacation if he could stand the humidity and insects.
CONSENSUS: Too early to make a call. We'll have to wait for overseas absentee ballots, which means this thing may not be decided until Elian Gonzales' vote is counted. By the way, Dr. Barnabas Sibusiso Dlamini is the prime minister of Swaziland . . . or so he thought.